Friday, September 26, 2008

Things about me

To clarify- it wasn't the pregnant friend who asked me to host the shower, it was a mutual friend of ours. I'm sure she just didn't think about how I would feel about it. I am very excited for my friend though, despite my own disappointment in myself- both in my own failure to concieve and in my jealousy.

I'm well on my way to becoming one of those moms who has an overscheduled kid. But it's all stuff he's requested to do, so I don't feel THAT bad. Twice a week afterschool is dance- it's free through the school. Friday mornings is choir, before school (yawn). All I have to do is add in drama and we'll hit the trifecta and he'll be ready for Broadway or a boy band in no time. Then, once a week in the evening is Cub Scouts. That I also got volunteered to be a leader for (because I can't stand incompetent leadership...). Kidzilla also wants to take up a sport, but I just don't have the time or energy (or interest, frankly) to shuttle him one more place.

There's a new song on the radio that I have a love/hate relationship with- Just A Dream. (Nevermind the coincidence that somehow I started listening to country music when I moved to FL) Every time I hear the song it makes me think what if. What if A had died from his cancer? What if he does? I think it hits especially since the song is about a love that was cut short and A and I have only been together for a short time ourselves (not quite 4 years). There is still so much that we want to do. The song always invokes visions of uniformed pilots at a funeral for me. Even though I continue to belt it out in the car when ever it comes on the radio.

Feeling so strongly about this still makes me wonder if I've really come to terms with everything. Have I overblown the cancer? Tried too hard to keep it smaller than it really was? I would find myself a support group, but I know I will just end up annoyed with the other people. I know that A has dealt with it even less than I have, to the point now of almost pretending it didn't happen. The scar and pain have healed, so it's much easier to do that now. And the expectation of being able to return to work in the future.

This weekend I need to work on being greatful for what I have. How do I write that task in my planner?


Nicole Bullock said...

You've been through a lot this year, and its natural to second guess yourself and the reactions and feelings you've had to these tough times. I know that blogging somehow helps me vent and figure things out, and reading blogs like yours (where you talk about the realities you're facing)make me feel like you're my friend. Hang in there.

Aluwings said...

Just caught up on my blog reading... Wow! Lot's happening... hang in there!