When Motherhood is hard

I came across two essays in an online magazine recently that I identified so much with. The first is about the daily rush and taking time to breath and just barely holding on- Surrounded. The second is about waiting for loved ones to return and the secret fear that they won't- Calendar. Both essays feel like things I think about on a weekly (if not more) basis.
A made it through is surgery fine and blessedly the tumor pathology was fine. So one more week and then back to work for him. Just in time to leave me with no one to babysit for Kidzilla's spring break. We just never seem to be able to get our timing right! So far I've kept A so busy at home that being a stay at home dad is a full time job. Which is how it should be :)

The problem with illness

Probably in light of the fact that the anniversary of A first being diagnosed with cancer four years ago is this Sunday and the fact that he's due to have new tumor removed just days before that, I've been ruminating on what going to the doctor means for him as a pilot. It means wondering every time if the medication he's prescribed is on the FAA no-go list. It means constantly wondering if every ear ache, muscle strain or broken toe is going to disqualify him from working for a time. Or forever. It means trying to remember every doctor visit he had in the last year so he can list it for his FAA medical. It means being careful and discrete how things are worded so they don't end up being used against him later. It means being forced to take time off work when others could just work through their illness. It means trying to convince our insurance provider that yes, he does need the $3000 a pop shot because the traditional testing method would mean he was out of work for 12 weeks A YEAR. I'm beginning to understand why A hates going to the doctor.

A's barely told anyone about his upcoming surgery. He hardly even talks about it to me. I know he's got a lot bottled up inside that he: doesn't want to admit, wants to shield me from, wants to pretend is not happening. I don't blame him- I don't know if I'm ready to be "the girl who's husband has cancer" again any more than he's ready to be "the guy with cancer" again. I've stopped worrying about it all because there is nothing my worrying can do. The tumor is there. Either its cancerous or it isn't. Worrying or praying isn't going to change what already IS. But I have laid it out at God's feet and asked for the strength to get through whatever the result brings us.

All over again

A few weeks ago, A came home from a trip with a bad sinus and ear infection. A trip to the ENT led to antibiotics and then a CT scan of his face. The infection has cleared up, but yesterdays return visit for the scan results told us that he has a mass in one of his sinus cavaties. Possibly another tumor. (If you just said "WTF, does this guy have all the luck or what", you are not alone.) Surgery is scheduled for late next week. We're expecting at least two weeks off of work for him, due to the risk of him bleeding out if there is a decompression on the airplane, which will be unpaid since A can't manage to accrue ANY sick time. My prayer is that we are able to endure this trial as well as we have been able to endure the others we have faced, with grace, wisdom, and support from friends and family.

No news is no news

Wednesday was my birthday. Not a milestone one, but still something to be recognized. A was on a trip from Monday through Thursday so he wasn't home. Not really a big deal, but after a monumental miscalculation on his part, my birthday likely won't be a small deal anymore.

We're still thinking about moving to base eventually- due to things like "if we lived in base, I'd be home by now" syndrome and "I don't want to pay for a crashpad"-itis. But today it is near 80 degrees (!) here. And we have the #3 and #5 ranked high schools in the nation here. And I have friends here. But, but, but...

Right now I'm just swamped at work with patients, swamped at home with the kids and the house and really just ready for the weekend already.

It's all up in the air

A few days ago, I was doing the dishes and wondered if Amazon sold dish washing liquid because surely it was easier and quicker to just order it and have it arrive with my free two day shipping then it was to actually make a trip to the store after work to get some. It would be here by now. And I still haven't been to the store...

In a fit of insanity who knows what, A bid for and received all weekends off this month. Which is great because we get to spend time together as a family doing recreational family things. Except that when I really need help is on weekdays when I'm likely to get out of work barely on time, rush to pick up the kids and then arrive home tired, cranky and with a list of chores to accomplish to keep the house, and us, running.  A hates to have to spend his days off alone at home with a list of to-dos. We have rehashed this issue many, MANY times. If he wants us to support his *livin' the dream*, then he's got to make some sacrifices too.

Lately we've been revisiting the living in base option too. Commuting is wearing on A and takes away from our time together. But I really don't want to move to the cold, snowy northeast and I don't think A does either. Which leaves us... Texas. And while we've been there a few times and were seriously considering moving there until we found out about A's cancer, I just can't bring my self to be excited about it anymore. I like it HERE. By the ocean, where the job I already love to hate is, where I have a few friends, where I know where everything is. But then again, a one hour drive from the airport vs spending hours waiting for a 2.5 hr flight to get home. A dropped on me a few months ago that he expected to be a lifer at his airline which means we'd only have to move to base once, but now seems to be unsettled again.

Friends of A's who started with the airline only 6 months before him are upgrading to Captain. Which means (hopefully) that his time isn't too far off. Which, while making our home lives even worse by being at the bottom of the seniority list again, can buy me some happiness with the extra cash meaning I can cut back a little. Who knows how it will all shake down 6 months or a year from now- a few years ago A was 23 people from being furloughed. Now he has 600+ people below him.

As A once told a traveler who asked him how the severe weather at the time was likely to affect her travel plans- it's all in the hands of the lord.