Unmoored

Ever since my internship ended six weeks ago, I've just been... waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting on a job, waiting for some ambition to come that will propel me to use my time wisely, waiting to find out what my new place in the world is meant to be. I can't give myself over to homemaking because I know that that is not what my end destination will be. But I go through the motions. I drop off and pick up the kids from school and daycare, I make sure the laundry is done and there is food. I spend time on the internet making plans for all the stuff that I want to buy when we have the money (ie when I'm working again). I try and pick up new skills like brushing up on my medical terminology, knitting and Dutch language skills. I work on all those little nagging to do's around the house and nag A to do the same when he's here. For the first time in nearly 6 years I have nothing to ground myself with- no job and no school. I find myself casting about all day long thinking, planning and scheming all the things I want to try for our family- regular vacations, reprising my interest in Waldorf education, learning more handcrafts, getting to know more mother's of infants, getting Kidzilla into some kind of sport, looking at homes for sale. I feel like I am unable to focus on anything and keep adding new things to my various to do lists without every really accomplishing anything. I guess I just don't deal with uncertainty well. Until I have something concrete lined up and know where I am going in life, this is how it's going to be. Hopefully it won't be for much longer.