One of the biggest things that bothers me is that there is no end in sight for A's time off. We don't know when or if he'll be able to return to aviation. He's due for an evaluation in March and based on that, we'll be able to make some decisions and have some clarity. But it's so hard to make plans not knowing when/if he'll return to active work, where he might be based, reserve or hard line or if his company will go under and he'll be just another low time guy looking for a job. As a planner, it kills me not to know what to expect.
When he was diagnosed, A was given an approximately 20 year life expectancy. When you are in your thirties, that is a heartbreaking thing to hear. A may not even make it to retirement age. If we have a child, he may not be able to see it graduate from college. I may become a widow in my early 50's, when I am supposed to be hitting the golden years. Yes, I recognize that anyone could die at anytime, but for him, the likelihood is much higher. There is such an urgency to do things and get our life where we want it so that we can just enjoy. It tears me up inside to see A not able to fly and also to know how much time he has left; although I try not to engage in any kind of "count down" mentality, it's always in the back of my mind. Few people seem to really understand all the facets of this diagnosis.
On the bright side, at least we'll have the holidays together. Last year A was gone for Thanksgiving but came home the day after and guarenteed Christmas home when he broke his elbow. I will forever think of Thanksgiving in a negative light, as the precursor of the terrible time to come we had early this year. But I guess this month, we will truely have a lot to be thankful for.
We've got several anniversary type things coming up in the near future as well. I passed another milestone in blogging with 150 posts and two full years of blogging. Shortly after T-day is our anniversary- 4 years since our first date and 2 years of marriage. January brings 3 years in FL and also my birthday. February will mark a year since A left the line and got his diagnosis (and the ALPA LTD $ will finally kick in).
A's new mantra- Life, do it once, do it right
2 comments:
I'm sorry this has been such a difficult year for you. Life sometimes throws us incredible curveballs. I can only imagine the fear and worry that could accompany your plans for your future. Make sure to celebrate the little things each day and find joy in the journey. If you can keep yourself happy on a daily basis, fear of the future isn't so overwhelming.
I can't even imagine. But I am glad that you are able to see that you do have things to be thankful for. I'm glad that you'll be able to be together this holiday season.
Living with uncertainty is so hard. And you guys have so many variables. Praying that God gives you peace and direction.
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