Things about me

To clarify- it wasn't the pregnant friend who asked me to host the shower, it was a mutual friend of ours. I'm sure she just didn't think about how I would feel about it. I am very excited for my friend though, despite my own disappointment in myself- both in my own failure to concieve and in my jealousy.

I'm well on my way to becoming one of those moms who has an overscheduled kid. But it's all stuff he's requested to do, so I don't feel THAT bad. Twice a week afterschool is dance- it's free through the school. Friday mornings is choir, before school (yawn). All I have to do is add in drama and we'll hit the trifecta and he'll be ready for Broadway or a boy band in no time. Then, once a week in the evening is Cub Scouts. That I also got volunteered to be a leader for (because I can't stand incompetent leadership...). Kidzilla also wants to take up a sport, but I just don't have the time or energy (or interest, frankly) to shuttle him one more place.

There's a new song on the radio that I have a love/hate relationship with- Just A Dream. (Nevermind the coincidence that somehow I started listening to country music when I moved to FL) Every time I hear the song it makes me think what if. What if A had died from his cancer? What if he does? I think it hits especially since the song is about a love that was cut short and A and I have only been together for a short time ourselves (not quite 4 years). There is still so much that we want to do. The song always invokes visions of uniformed pilots at a funeral for me. Even though I continue to belt it out in the car when ever it comes on the radio.

Feeling so strongly about this still makes me wonder if I've really come to terms with everything. Have I overblown the cancer? Tried too hard to keep it smaller than it really was? I would find myself a support group, but I know I will just end up annoyed with the other people. I know that A has dealt with it even less than I have, to the point now of almost pretending it didn't happen. The scar and pain have healed, so it's much easier to do that now. And the expectation of being able to return to work in the future.

This weekend I need to work on being greatful for what I have. How do I write that task in my planner?

Another day

Well, after the last, depressing post, I feel like I should post something more upbeat.

The trip to Tallahassee was interesting. For a state capital, it really wasn't that great. No golden statues, no sweeping rotundas, just a bunch of non-descript, grey buildings and a lot of might-be homeless people hanging around. In a ranking of state capitals I have been to I'd have to rank it 4th of 4. Kidzilla was terribly excited about staying in a hotel and we had quite a debate about who was going to sleep where in the two double beds. He was a great trooper during our campus tours, department meetings and just general driving and looking around. Things are looking positive for going back to school.

A and I were talking about one of the great debates in aviation employment. Why do major airlines (the big ones) all require a college degree? Especially when it doesn't even have to be an aviation related degree. A degree in economics isn't going to help you much while flying across the Atlantic Ocean. But maybe it will be of some use in calculationg the exchange rate when you get there... That business degree isn't going to be of much use in running an engine failure checklist. A has come to the point where he needs to upgrade his A.S. degree for a B.S. so he has the opportunity to move up in the aviation world. So now we debate if its better to go the easy route and get a degree in professional aviation that will be useless upon furlough or the harder route of getting an unrelated degree he'll hopefully never have to use. And how to manage to take classes with such a variable schedule.

This weekend I am stuck hostessing a baby shower for a friend. While I am happy for her, I have to wonder- who in their right mind asks a woman struggling with infertility to hostess a baby shower? Really. Did I give the impression that I was happy about my own inability to conceive and wanted to celebrate someone else's apparant ease at it? I can't wait for this to be over.

Getting bumped

Time finally caught up to A and he got notice that he had to turn in his airline ID badge and SIDA (security area acess)badge. He knew he was supposed to have turned it in when he stopped flying, but because it was one of the few tangible pieces he had from working for the airline, he held on to it. The tags resided on his dresser and every few days he would pick them up longingly. When his based officially closed, they asked for them back. And although he'll get a new set (perhaps with a better picture) when he goes back to work, it was nice to have the old ones as a reminder. It's unknown still when, or even if, he'll be cleared to return to work so the tags had a huge sentimental value both because he had worked so hard to get to the place where he had earned them, but also as a goal to where he wants to be again. Turning them in is a bit like giving up a piece of ones self and goals and dreams.

Yesterday I noticed that the uniform hat seemed to have moved to a more prominent place in our closet. Since it's bought and paid for, I guess it's one thing that cancer CAN'T take away from him.

The reality of life is boring

I'm not sure if I'm glad or not, but for the first time in about a year, our lives are settled and there isn't much going on. No big health issues for anyone, jobs are stable, Kidzilla is back in school, there are no storms headed our way and everything seems to be running smoothly. Of course, posting that will be the kiss of death to any boringness for a while, guarenteed.

For the time being, I've mostly run out of aviation topics to get riled up about. There are still times when I wish I could pack A off on a trip for a while and I still laugh at how anytime a plane flies overhead all conversation will cease as he tries to identify the model and company. He's still working in the aviation industry at least.

I realized the other day that packing up and moving to Tallahassee for school while still leaving enough behind for A to live with is going to be much like splitting the house when one is divorcing. Except I know I'll get it all back eventually. We already discuss who's getting the big TV and who has to take the tiny one. Who's getting what dressers? Who's getting all the high end cookware (ME!)? I'm already planning out decor in my head, for once it can be all me without having to take anyone else's opinions into account.

We have plans to visit Tallahassee next weekend and tour the school and area. We put the baby plans on hold indefinetly (feelings regarding infertility are much to intense to discuss right now, but maybe in another post) and it feels weird to no longer have doctor appointments and be taking medications at specified times. We have a plan to pay off remaining debt and manage the costs of two households for 18 months. Things just are.


PS. two new blog entries today

How ALPA DOESN'T support it's pilots

Yep, that's right, I said it. I have a beef with ALPA (the AirLine Pilots Association, the pilot's union). Well, actually it's only a thing to nit-pick about and overall I can't complain because they are helping us out quite a bit with this whole "can't fly, lost the medical" crap.

In my daily websurfing, I decided to check out the ALPA site to see if they offered college scholarships. Hey, I'm going to graduate school, plan to do research on the topic of family life of aviators and the whole A.I.D.S. phenom (or lack there of, as I suspect). They should give me some money to fund my research; after all, it's pertinent to them. And guess what, ALPA does have a scholarship program. That sucks. They blow their wad by giving out a single 4 year scholarship totalling $12k to an undergrad son or daughter of an ALPA pilot.

So... current ALPA pilots aren't even eligible for a scholarship from their own union? What about the pilot who wants to get a BS degree so he can upgrade to a Major some day? Oh, SOL for getting money from ALPA. What about the pilot who wants to get an advanced degree an go into pilot training or alternative fuels or aviation law or something else to advance the aviation industry. Oh, they're SOL too. Or me, who wants to find ways to make aviation life better for families, since most pilots do end up married with families and job satisfaction and lower stress goes a long way towards reducing turn-over and enhancing safety ? Yep, you guessed it, I'm SOL too.

ALPA needs to get with the program and update their antiquated scholarship program. This isn't the 1950's where one goes to college, gets out and is done with higher education for the rest of one's life. Spread the love, spread out the money and be true to your goals to support pilots and enhance the aviation profession.

I wonder if it would hurt my scholarship chances if I called the MEC to complain...