Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Lost and found- the lost

I am usually an optimist to the nth degree. But sometimes, I just lose my groove and it leaves me floundering. It's been one of those weeks. It's the middle of our 3 week work spurt, I've been filled with anxiety about some past life issues, and we are unsettled with where we are headed next. He's gone all the time, I'm tired of taking the kid to the playground alone and for goodness sake, when am I going to get pregnant already? Is this really my life? Is this really what I want? Can I deal with this for the next 20 years? I wonder if I've already lost some of my enchantment for this.

I am reminded of when I was an exchange student and the phases of cultural adjustment that they taught us about. Getting into this aviation lifestyle is definitely an adjustment, one that it's hard to prep for. We've definitely made it through the honeymoon phase, where everything was bright and shiny new and are heading into the culture shock phase. Although there are still a lot of things we have yet to experience (like holding a line, fingers crossed for Nov.), we've settled into our routine. I feel like we are hovering somewhere between culture shock and adjustment.

This weekend, A wasn't able to get home until Sunday afternoon and had to turn around and leave on monday afternoon. The commute both ways was a nightmare for him (and then he got called for ARC and had to go spend MORE time sitting in an airport). Monday morning I realized that I felt like I had spent the entire weekend waiting for my weekend to start when he got home. Then, heading into work, I was feeling like- where'd my weekend go? Lost, to his job I guess.

A friend that I met through aviation moved away recently, her husband took a job and they moved closer to family. I miss her. I realized that I relied on her more than I thought. I wonder if I'm going to become callous toward making friends with other pilot wives when I know that eventually they are going to move away. I'm not sure I want to go through the emotional work of making friends and the ensuing drama when they leave. Yes, we can keep in touch, but losing a friend you relied on to keep you occupied when you were alone, who took classes with you b/c you didn't want to go alone, who you could call on at the last minute when you have car trouble is really hard. Going to have to get used to the lost friendships and opportunities, caused by the job.

We have our break of 8 days off coming up in just 4 more days. Hopefully some time away from the routine and the jolt of planning the next phase of our lives together will help us both find our lost enthusiam.

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