I can keep it together while A is away flying, that is no secret. But sometimes what constitutes "keeping it together" slips a little and things get messy. There are times (like now) when I just feel tired and like I just can't get ahead. I long for one of the kids to be sick and me to have to stay home with them- so I can spend a day relaxing while they snooze on the couch.
Right now, only Kidzilla is old enough to have outside activities. For which I am thankful because I am not sure how I would manage two sets of extracurricular activities. This past two weeks I have really had to make the effort to make sure that Kidzilla actually makes it to things instead of giving in to the temptation of just skipping it all, again. Skip football because I don't feel like getting out of bed on Saturday morning. Skip Boy Scouts because it starts just when Babyzilla should be going to bed and I can't leave Babyzilla at home alone. Skip youth group because I had a long day at work and just don't feel like going. Even though dinner is provided.
I think there is a fine line we are (I am) currently walking between guilt of not having a normal, activity filled childhood because Dad isn't around to help shuttle and supervise and balancing my own needs. I know not to overdo it- as a kid I had activities scheduled every day of the week and remember times when we left dance class to proceed directly to Girl Scouts. I want Kidzilla to have lots of experiences and opportunities as this age so he can later narrow down into what he's really interested in, but boy, it's hard to get out of the house once I'm in it and thinking of all the things I need to do when we get home. And when do I get my own time to do things?
Maintaining my motivation to keep Kidzilla active is a challenge. I know that part of what motivates me is to be a role model to my son and others- see, it is possible to be successful in this lifestyle, even when Mom works full time too. I take pride in my Supermom abilities. I realize how extremely humble that makes me sound, but it's true. Probably not a healthy motivation, but one nonetheless. And I see how much joy the activities bring Kidzilla once we are actually at them. Sometimes he recognizes the stress it puts on me and sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he remembers that his brother and I are thrown into boring situations just so he can have a good time. Sometimes A recognizes the stress that keeping it all going puts on me and sometimes I can hide it well.
I don't know how I keep finding the motivation to stay involved in things when it would just be so. much. easier. to stay home with Kidzilla not knowing what he's missing. I don't know how to bring my motivation up to keep on keeping on. I guess its just one of those things one has to push through and fake it until you make it.