Work in Progress

 Aren’t we always a work in progress though? Things have been steady here. We had the opportunity to stay at a relatives house/ Air B&B for the Labor Day weekend and swim to our hearts content in their pool. We had great weather except for right after we got the fire going in the fire pit to make s’mores. That’s when we got caught in a downpour naturally. It was nice to get to a new locale for a few days. 

I just feel like my heart is broken in so many ways right now. Not just because of this pandemic, but partially related. I hate that my baby girl is in a class full of boys with no other girly girl to play with. The preschool has dropped to low that it’s just her and 2-3 boys. It’s great for education and reducing exposure, but not for friendship. My bigger boy is doing well in school and is accustomed to wearing a mask now. But he needs to get back into the social aspect of clubs and scouts. I know he’s tired of mom trying to engage him. I am sad for my previous home states of California and Oregon and hearing off all those small towns I drove through or camped near going up in smoke. It really is like losing a part of your history to know those places are gone forever. My heart is absolutely broken that my oldest son, now 18 and living with his father in Oregon, has dropped us out of his life and hasn’t responded to any of my attempts to contact him. I don’t know why other than he thinks no one who lives in the south has any intelligence and he doesn’t like having siblings. It tears me up that the boy who used to hold my hand and tell me he wanted to live with me forever now won’t talk to me. I hope that one day he will come back to me. Especially because it’s nothing but teenagerhood keeping us apart and nothing specific. Friends reassure me that he’ll come back, but as always, I hate the waiting. I also ache for A and his career. I know he’s trying his hardest but it’s it’s also hard not to blame him for things. Especially when I’m stressed about so many other things. So far he’s not getting as many hours as we hoped for with the new job but he keeps reassuring me it will pick up. I feel like he’s waiting for another job to fall into his lap instead of pursuing something. And I don’t want that to effect my dream job that I currently have. It’s hard to give him the space to grieve his losses when we are so desperate to stay afloat. 

As a surprise pick me up I did get a kind and unexpected letter in the mail the other day from the wife of a pilot couple that A has helped out through his union role. I met her many moons ago when she was in flight school with A and she remembered. She thanked me for allowing A the volunteer time to be a pilot rep that it took away from our family and told about a time when he stepped in and really helped her husband during his career. It ended up brightening my day quite a bit. Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk I’ve been in and get our new normal figured out.