Transitional Airspace

 I have transition fatigue. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I can tell you that this is a real thing. I'm so tired of everything being up in the air. I'm a concrete girl. I like to plan ahead. I don't like surprises. I like to know what to expect and I like to get there early. And this year is just NOT shaping up that way. So far we've been through: a job change for me and the prospect of a significant raise for A, then the pandemic shut down, transition to home schooling for Kidzilla, then work cutbacks for both me and A, then furlough potential, then a while-I'm-furloughed job prospect for A, then news that A's company is shutting down for good, then uncertainty on exactly what A will be doing at said new job and will the income sustain us, now back to school and the wind down of A's company. I'm exhausted just typing it. I hope that by the time winter arrives we have found our new normal. I'm quickly losing my ability to 'just roll with it." Really, I don't have much choice in the matter obviously, but I can tell I'm just tired of making decisions and I'm telling A more and more that whatever he decides is fine. And I want to just curl up on the couch and binge watch Youtube videos instead of participating. But I can still make a mean to do list for him.

It has been phenomenal to have A home. He hasn't flown for his airline since June and likely won't ever again unless he volunteers for a trip this month. He's been doing the grocery shopping for years, but now he does the bulk of the dishes, helps with school/daycare drop off and pick up, runs errands, supervises homework, feeds the kids breakfast, and helps with dinners. There are times I don't know what to do with myself because he's already got it all going. And after so many years of holding it together on my own, it's just weird. So I turn to micromanaging to cope. Luckily, A understands and lets it go. But as great as it is, it's hard to get used to him being here all the time. There are many conversations involving  "what did you do all day?" and "you went to Target again?" He's all in my business when I do embarrassing things like dry my hair with a tee shirt (curly girl style) or buy yet another cute dress for my daughter or feed the kids ice cream for dinner. I used to be able to hide those things and keep our secrets secret. It's hard having him here ALL THE TIME. I'm sure it is for him too though. Being subjected to constant people around wanting his time is hard for him as well. He's used to being alone in a hotel room, free to watch movies and call or text friends. At home, there is very little free time once the kids are home and they are always noisy. There is no such thing as alone time. 

This month is our big wrap up, tying up lose ends before we lose the job title, the income, and the benefits. Maybe once that is past we can move on to looking to and living in the future. Today marks 14 years that I have maintained this blog. It's so amazing to look back and see where we've been. The things I was hopeful for, the times I never hoped for, and the hope I still have for the future.