Saturday, May 7, 2011

It wasn't supposed to be like this...

When Kidzilla was a baby I hated working full time. I swore that if I ever had another child that I would NOT work. Instead I'd spend all day planning and cooking delicious, organic meals fresh from the farmer's market, attending Gymboree classes and La Leche League meetings, and picking out the perfect new couch for my mansion. And that is so NOT where I am at right now. Instead, I'm stuck on the endless loop of: wake up, prep me and the boys for work/school, work, arrive home, unpack from work/school, repack for work/school and sleep. Sometimes on the weekends we get to go to the library or for a walk when I'm not busy doing all those things I can't do because I have to work. OK, well actually it's an unpaid internship, but you get the gist. Although I LOVE my internship, this cycle is so, so hard. On all of us. I hate that I spend an hour in the morning and more than that in the evening hoping that Babyzilla will stay asleep so I can get other things done. I want to be able to ENJOY my baby. For goodness sakes, it took us three years to make him- that's how bad we wanted him. This is so not what I desired.

Part of the problem is the halt to upgrades that all of the airlines face. If A were making a captain's salary right now, things would be easier. Probably if I hadn't just racked up a good sized debt earning a graduate degree that would help too; although I could pay that off with part time work, if such a thing were available. I feel like I'm back to thinking- NEXT time I have a baby I will be able to have the life I want to have. But I don't want to have to think like that. Like Joel Osteen promotes, I want my best life NOW.

I did have it out with A a few weeks ago, a yelling and weeping fit, that eventually enabled us to clear up some miscommunication. When he was at home and I was at work, I would leave him a list with a few to-do's on it. When he wouldn't have them done when I got home, I got angry. He would spend the evening doing them instead of helping me with my evening routine, which would help my stress level. Once I left him home for a few hours with a hungry Kidzilla and a crying Babyzilla in the evening and let him fend for himself, he understood what it was like for me. Now he works a bit harder to complete the need to do's before I get home so he can be more helpful in the evenings. It was kind of a watershed moment for us, albeit not a pretty one. Like it or not, for now his relaxation time comes during his 33 hour overnights in Podunk, USA- when he's here, it's all hands on deck so *I* can get a break.

For now, we do the best we can to balance all of the competing interests and hope that someday we'll get to the place where things ARE the way they are supposed to be.

5 comments:

Runblondie26 said...

Wow, I feel like I could have written this post myself, except I only have 1 kid. I give you so much credit for juggling it all with 2.

I know the grass is always greener on the otherside, but I'm so envious if stay at home moms. We both agree we won't try for second baby until he upgrades and finances loosen up a bit. I'm burning the candle at both ends already. (Thanks big, fat flight school loan.) Working part time would be the best of both worlds.

Congrats on your new degree and precious little one!

Flying High said...

I'm so with you! I'm trying to freelance (mostly from home) to bring in more cash whilst my husband's away. It's a constant juggling act filled with guilt.

I think you're doing VERY well as you are! Keep on swimming, keep on swimming...

Irish Pilots Wife said...

This is my first time leaving a comment. I think your site is fantastic.
Im a mother of a three year old and two month old, and I am really struggleing with my husbands trips away. He has four nights away followed by a five night trip coming up and im really anxious about it. I really dont sleep well when he is away which only adds to the problem.
Sometimes, I wish I didnt get myself into this lifestyle. Sometimes I think, if I had of known the life I was marrying into..........would I have done it? That sounds terrible doesnt it.

Irish Pilots Wife said...

Id love some advice........I feel really down right now. Maybe its the baby blues too.....

Angileek said...

This is my first time commenting - I discovered your blog last week and have been reading it straight through from the beginning. This post sums up my experience so well - I appreciate hearing your perspective and feeling some normalization of how I feel - that no one other than a pilot's wife can really understand.
By the way, my hubby is an xjet FO as well, he was furloughed and now is back, based in ORD. We have two kids and he commutes and I work full time in the MH field. (We have a lot in common!) He has an overnight at home tonight though, bonus!