A stopped taking his meds again in preparation for another round of cancer testing. Obviously we didn't fare too well last year, since he's still on leave (read all about it in march/april 09 archives and the initial experience is in the feb 08 archives). Without his medications, he gets slow and lethargic, his metabolism slows down, he loses his coordination and short term memory and I start having to worry about things like sending him to the grocery store unattended and him tripping while walking up our stairs. Last year he was off his medicine a little too long and it caused a very unpleasant experience for the two of us that we are hoping to avoid repeating.
Fingers crossed that the mild spots they found last year were destroyed and he is finally cancer free. I don't know if we can go another round of treatment and another year off. Tensions are high during treatment and there is a lot of unspoken anxiety around the house. Last year A was miserable during treatment and said he didn't want to go through it again. And I vaguely recall the doctor saying something about stepping up to chemo if it wasn't gone this time around.
For the rest of my life, I will have to live with the nagging question of "has it come back?" For the rest of my life. EVERY DAY. I will wonder "is that a lump on his neck?", "is that normal forgetfulness or is his meds dosage wrong?", "how long until we go to the doctor and the bomb is dropped on us again?" It will never go away.
If you are the praying type, think of us.