Having it all?

Once upon a time, I had it all. A dual income family with enough money to meet our needs. (Boring, but) stable jobs. A cute little fixer-upper with a (barely)affordable mortgage. A handsome little boy. A good circle of friends. Family nearby.

Then we moved to Florida. Then intent was to move back to our happy little life in 9 months. 4 years later, here we are. Living in our 3rd (and smallest ever) apartment. One of us on indefinite disability and one of us happily unemployed but racking up debt. A handsome little boy. A circle of friends three hours away. Family days away.

The one thing I know that is solid however, is our relationship. I told this to A just the other day. Even though there are a lot of things in our life that are less than ideal right now and I feel like we should be past all this school and financial up and down business at our ages, at least there isn't that "what if" about our relationship too. No going to counseling to "hold it together" or trying x,y,z to "make it work". As A rephrased what I was saying to him (he's managed to learn to be an active listener at least...) "so even though everything else is crap right now, at least your crap isn't going anywhere". Not the most eloquent, but I guess you could put it that way.

Thanks honey. Even if we can't provide each other with much right now, we have a stable base to work from and for that I am thankful.

Happy birthday to me.

Fears

A stopped taking his meds again in preparation for another round of cancer testing. Obviously we didn't fare too well last year, since he's still on leave (read all about it in march/april 09 archives and the initial experience is in the feb 08 archives). Without his medications, he gets slow and lethargic, his metabolism slows down, he loses his coordination and short term memory and I start having to worry about things like sending him to the grocery store unattended and him tripping while walking up our stairs. Last year he was off his medicine a little too long and it caused a very unpleasant experience for the two of us that we are hoping to avoid repeating.

Fingers crossed that the mild spots they found last year were destroyed and he is finally cancer free. I don't know if we can go another round of treatment and another year off. Tensions are high during treatment and there is a lot of unspoken anxiety around the house. Last year A was miserable during treatment and said he didn't want to go through it again. And I vaguely recall the doctor saying something about stepping up to chemo if it wasn't gone this time around.

For the rest of my life, I will have to live with the nagging question of "has it come back?" For the rest of my life. EVERY DAY. I will wonder "is that a lump on his neck?", "is that normal forgetfulness or is his meds dosage wrong?", "how long until we go to the doctor and the bomb is dropped on us again?" It will never go away.

If you are the praying type, think of us.

When help isn't there

A friend called last night. A friend of hers and a training buddy of her husband was killed in a plane crash on Tuesday. It was a very small company and the widow is having a difficult time with the company. The type of plane may not have had data recorders so the cause of the crash may never be able to be determined. There are conflicting reports about whether the body of the pilot has been retrieved from the crash site. I can't imagine the grief and turmoil this new widow is going through. I wish I had some resources to direct her to, but I had very little information for her. Seeing this play out just underscores the need, to me, for comprehensive information from companies about what to do in the event of an accident and what they will do for the family. I wish I could make the process of getting this in place, for our airline at least, go faster so no one else has to go through this.

A fresh start

Tomorrow we head home from our road trip. It's been a great trip. I met some new people and caught up with some old. We discovered that Kidzilla is an awesome roadtripper; able to read books in the backseat during the drive without getting ill and keeping the "are we there yet" to a minimum. A and I managed not to seriously harm each other and actually got along pretty well. We survived the blizzard of the century in Oklahoma City. The last bit is the 11 hour drive from Houston to Tallahassee. I've got 14 states whose plates I have yet to see on the road, hopefully I can cross a few more off the list tomorrow.