Friday, January 12, 2007

Repeat, rehash, rethink

It came up in conversation recently, now that we are almost done with the program, would we do it the same way again? Would I continue to have a relationship with a man going through flight school with dreams of piloting or would I have broken it off before he started training? Would I have moved all the way to FL and given up all I had established in CA or stayed there while he was here? How did I feel about his training and how it infringed upon my life?

Reflecting back on everything, I think I would say yes, I would do it again. This has been a great experience for all of us and I can't imagine our lives any other way. Would other people make the same decision? Hard to say. Yes, it was risky, chucking it all and moving to FL with a guy I had been dating for a year who was chasing a dream. but for us, it worked. I know it could have gone horribly wrong, and I had a plan for that (well, kinda) but I was committed to working it out. I can't imagine what it would have been like to stay back in CA and never see him. Never be there to nag him into studying, share his successes, hear the gossip. I can't say for sure that we both would not have started wandering either. After all, it was a fairly new relationship.

The infringing upon my life is harder to explain. It is such a complicated thought to have to work through. Did I intend to get into a relationship with a man who would make my life more difficult? Who would be gone half the month or more? Who would end up dropping in and out of my life like a disneyland dad, always wanting to do fun stuff because he had time, despite my needing to stick to my routine because that's the only way to get everything done? No, I can't say as thought I was advertising for that when I was looking for a date. My life is completely different from what I thought it would end up like. Do I feel infringed upon or like I gave something up? No. I think that personally being ready for a change made all the difference. If I had been resistant to any step along our path, we would have halted and (he) would have called the whole thing off. But at the same time, how could I have dealt with myself knowing that I was preventing someone from achieving their dreams? Would I have felt better forcing him to stay in a high paying but mind numbing job just so I could have designer jeans? Would I have wanted him to do the same thing for me? I just can't imagine being in a relationship where one person would not make a sacrifice for the other. I was in that relationship and I left it.

A stuggles a lot with not being the provider for our family right now. I think it stems from his conservative religious. It's not that he feels I should be home while he earns all the $, but that he should be making more $ than me. Because he's the MAN. Whatever that shizz is all about. He's slowing being indocrinated to my feminist ways, feminism being a complete and utter mystery and assumed negative to him. Why should he have to be the main wage earner? He has no good reason to give for why it should be so. I expect to be treated as an equal and so should he. Why should the onus of having to earn all the money be put on him, just because he THE MAN? It's an ongoing discussion.

I found too, the A uses his family as a procrastination tool. He should be studying, but he feels guilty if he doesn't spend time with his family. This is probably the biggest (and only) negative to us being here with him. Of course I'd like to believe that if we weren't here, he'd be spending his time pining away for us, but that is neither here nor there. He's on to a good thing, because of course, who is going to stay, no you shouldn't be spending time with your family, you should be doing something that doesn't involve us. How can I call him on that? And I'm sure it ties in with the whole wage earner/family man complex as well. So instead, we carve out dedicated study time and family time, to help ease my fear and his allowance of family time cutting into study time.

Two tips I've come across to help ease family strain:

1. Find a place that is not home to study at. For us, if he's at home, we'll bother him, it's as simple as that. And set specific times to study

2. When selling off belongings or economizing to raise $ for flight school, translate everything into how many flight hours it will buy you. Makes the pain of separation slightly easier.

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