Monday, September 15, 2014

The year of questions

One of my favorite quotes, and one that got me through A's cancer treatement, is from Zora Neale Hurston- There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer them. It's actually the first line from one of her books. This has been a year of asking questions. A rough year for us thus far.

It started off in January when I was just DONE with A. He hadn't done anything wrong, it was just like a giant, 6 week long bout of PMS where every little thing about him was wrong and I couldn't stand it anymore. The way he tied his shoes, the way he arranged his day, the color of his hair. It was all simmering inside of me and I was acting like a royal bitch and I wouldn't tell him why. He should have just known. But I did spend hours in my office at work cataloging all of his offenses and writing diatribes to him about it all. And then one day, it was just gone. And now I can't even remember what the fuss was about.

Then, in March, all of three weeks after I stopped using birth control, I found myself pregnant. It was a surprise to us both. Not in that we didn't think it could happen, we knew we weren't preventing, but in that it had taken us THREE years of consistent trying, and four failed rounds of fertility treatments to get Babyzilla. And here, boom, we found ourselves pregnant. Of course we were stressed, thinking about how to afford a new car to fit us all, but we were very excited as well. I bought some maternity clothes on sale, a baby blanket, planned how to tell all my coworkers... And then at our 9 weeks appointment, we discovered that I had miscarried. Two days later I had a D and C because I didn't want to go through a miscarriage at home, alone, with A on a trip. I recovered and went back to work at my job. In perinatal services, where I see babies and pregnant women every day.

The spring brought us more news from A's airline that there would likely be a reduction in fleet and even through he was only around 30 people from upgrading to Captain ( FIN. A. LY), it would likely never happen as they expected to shrink through attrition. It's been seven freaking years already! I know A is bummed with the news and is casting around thinking about what to do. The thought of starting over at another airline doesn't sound appealing but he can't do anything else with his outdated ITT tech drafting degree. So where does that leave us?

We celebrated the 4th of July with a major plumbing mess and several slab leaks in our house. We spent the entire weekend turning the water to our house on and off twice a day at the main valve- an hour in the morning for showers and laundry and an hour at night for dishes and washing up. Our insurance would only pay for a minimum of labor and repair, so we had to take all the money we had been saving to put a new roof on the house (also much needed) to replumb the entire house through the attic. We have some fantastic hot water now and our bills are lower than they have been the entire two years we lived here, but we totally weren't planning on maxing out our cards and spending all our cash on it. Every time it rains I hear a drip in our roof, it's like water torture because I can hear it while I am laying in bed at night. Heaven knows what other damage is being caused.

Somehow, just 3 months after my miscarriage, I got pregnant again. A's first words were "how did this happen?" - in the context of "why was it so difficult before". Sadly, this time I miscarried again, just a few days after we found out. Just in time for A to be at his recurrent training. I told him, because I needed to tell someone, but I felt guilty as hell for doing something to distract him from his task at hand. He passed with flying colors and came home to help me. At least this time was easier because we hadn't had weeks of planning and getting used to the idea already. But two miscarriages in six months has taken its toll.

I still have intermittent bad moods where I want to scream at A's preference to hold the shower door scraper at exactly 35 degrees for maximum scraping effectiveness or his incessant talking about what it will be like when we finally have the money to fix up our house, my dread as we slowly pay off my grad school loans yet feel like we are never getting anywhere with them. I have sorry for me periods where I hate living here where I feel like I have no good female friends. Yet when I think about it, I'm sure there are at least 5 people who could have helped pick up the kids or made us meals if I had needed it. I am blessed to be home with a sick Babyzilla today, yet still being paid because I have accrued enough paid time off to cover it. I can't yet say what the rest of the year will bring us, but I hope it's more answers to questions than questions themselves.

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