Sunday, August 9, 2009

Turning the tables

Back in January 2006 we moved from California to Florida for A to do his flight training. Essentially I left everything and everyone I knew to move across the country to support him. To me it was a big adventure and a chance to start our lives fresh.

It was only about 2 years later that he revealed to me the huge pressure he felt to make it through training. We had moved everything specifically for him to follow his dream and if he screwed up and failed out of training he would feel like a massive failure. Even though it never occurred to me that he might not succeed (probably my blind faith was a good thing while going through training) and I never once put any pressure on him or guilted him about making us move (well, he'd probably beg to differ, but I don't remember doing it) he still felt an enormous amount of pressure.

Now the tables are turned and our family has moved so I can follow though on my goals. And even though A hasn't said one thing to me about it, I feel an enormous pressure not to f*%k this up. We moved here because of me, solely me, and if I decide I made a mistake in following this career path, I will have uprooted everyone for nothing.

I'm working on letting go and trying to release the pressure to succeed. I think (hope!) that once I actually get going in school it will all fall away. But so far, in the back of my mind, that little bit of anxiety still lingers.


Flying High said...

I know exactly what you mean. I think my husband really felt like that when we moved to the Gulf - such a massive weight of responsibility after having moved our entire lives to another continent! I don't remember putting any pressure on him, but he felt it just the same.

elsja said...

I wish you luck with everything!