Friday, May 15, 2009

It's a woman's perogative to change her mind

A was in isolation last week due to his radioactive treatment. Of course I had to make jokes about his "certain glow", not needing a flashlight if we went camping, and sing "Radioactive" ad naseum. It was difficult to watch him have to make his way through radiation sickness without being able to comfort him. I think he was sicker this time than last year, but then again I wasn't around as much last year. It left a lot of time for us both to be alone with our thoughts for a good portion of the day, which led to some interesting conversations later on. Now we just sit, wait, get on with our lives until Feb 10 when he gets another scan.

We've been waffling around about whether A was going to go to Tallahassee with me and Kidzilla or stay in Jax even since I started this endeavor. We've been leaning toward him staying in Jax to maintain a presence here and give me some space. Now that he's got another year or so on the ground, we decided that we are going to move as a family. Since his job here didn't pan out as hoped this past winter there is not really any reason to be here. Plus it will be more cost effective. We'll just get a P.O. Box to maintain an address here. It's going to be a tight squeeze to get us all in the tiny family housing apt and we are going to have to put some stuff in storage, but it will be better overall. Now I won't have to get all riled up about finding a sitter for night classes. And we can waffle about what he's going to DO in Tallahassee instead.

I have been thinking a lot as well about my attitude about integrating A into the family when he was flying and returning from trips. I tried to find where I had blogged about it a few years ago, but it was too many posts to wade through (over 200 now!). I used to have the attitude of- live your life and make your plans and he can join in when he wants but life goes on whether he's here or not. But now I'm wondering if that was fair to our family and to him. Did I try hard enough to make him feel a part of the family? Because he IS part of the family. Should I have spent more time recognizing and honoring the time that he was here, instead of making him an inconsequential part? Did I deny him the opportunity to do anything HE wanted to do as a family by always having plans made and expecting him to participate without a say? Is there a better compromise for our family? How to balance all of the demands and desires of life? It seems pretty unimportant right now, since he's home ALL. THE. TIME. But one day...

I've been thinking of some heavy topics that I want to blog about lately, but some of them need some more research (AKA asking the opinions/experiences of other pilot wives). If there is something you would like to see me blog about or just to chat, contact me at the email address in the sidebar.

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

Good luck on your new endeavors! I think it's great you'll still be together. It's so hard to do the distance thing, the move will be worth it even if you're in close quarters.