Oh the life of a pilot's wife

No news is no news

2012-01-27T09:08:00.001-05:00

Wednesday was my birthday. Not a milestone one, but still something to be recognized. A was on a trip from Monday through Thursday so he wasn't home. Not really a big deal, but after a monumental miscalculation on his part, my birthday likely won't be a small deal anymore.

We're still thinking about moving to base eventually- due to things like "if we lived in base, I'd be home by now" syndrome and "I don't want to pay for a crashpad"-itis. But today it is near 80 degrees (!) here. And we have the #3 and #5 ranked high schools in the nation here. And I have friends here. But, but, but...

Right now I'm just swamped at work with patients, swamped at home with the kids and the house and really just ready for the weekend already.

It's all up in the air

2012-01-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I was doing the dishes and wondered if Amazon sold dish washing liquid because surely it was easier and quicker to just order it and have it arrive with my free two day shipping then it was to actually make a trip to the store after work to get some. It would be here by now. And I still haven't been to the store...

In a fit of ~~insanity~~ who knows what, A bid for and received all weekends off this month. Which is great because we get to spend time together as a family doing recreational family things. Except that when I really need help is on weekdays when I'm likely to get out of work barely on time, rush to pick up the kids and then arrive home tired, cranky and with a list of chores to accomplish to keep the house, and us, running. A hates to have to spend his days off alone at home with a list of to-dos. We have rehashed this issue many, MANY times. If he wants us to support his *livin' the dream*, then he's got to make some sacrifices too.

Lately we've been revisiting the living in base option too. Commuting is wearing on A and takes away from our time together. But I really don't want to move to the cold, snowy northeast and I don't think A does either. Which leaves us... Texas. And while we've been there a few times and were seriously considering moving there until we found out about A's cancer, I just can't bring my self to be excited about it anymore. I like it HERE. By the ocean, where the job I already love to hate is, where I have a few friends, where I know where everything is. But then again, a one hour drive from the airport vs spending hours waiting for a 2.5 hr flight to get home. A dropped on me a few months ago that he expected to be a lifer at his airline which means we'd only have to move to base once, but now seems to be unsettled again.

Friends of A's who started with the airline only 6 months before him are upgrading to Captain. Which means (hopefully) that his time isn't too far off. Which, while making our home lives even worse by being at the bottom of the seniority list again, can buy me some happiness with the extra cash meaning I can cut back a little. Who knows how it will all shake down 6 months or a year from now- a few years ago A was 23 people from being furloughed. Now he has 600+ people below him.

As A once told a traveler who asked him how the severe weather at the time was likely to affect her travel plans- it's all in the hands of the lord.

Baby love

2012-01-11T19:43:00.001-05:00

As a mom who has breastfed at locations from airports to zoos, with memorable locations such as at the camp fire of a boy scout overnight, sitting in the Atlantic ocean, and while walking through Universal Studios, I applaud those who have had to deal with negativity while feeding their babies the way nature intended! And I enjoyed this article very much! My own sweet little Babyzilla has already grown from a 6lb cuddlebug to a 22lb walking explorer who gets into every damn thing. Life with my now one year old is never dull. Just ask my frying pans, shoes and the cats.

New Years, New Challenges

2011-12-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

I have kept all of *one* New Years resolutions that I have ever made. It was to floss my teeth daily and I'm still going strong. I love to make resolutions all the time, but rarely do they stick. This year A and I are making some resolutions together to get our lives more organized and in line with where we want them to be.
Number one is to get our house more organized and less cluttered. We've moved so frequently in the past 6 years that we've had lots of opportunities (taken) to clean out. We've now been in our place for a year and are feeling itchy from clutter. I happened upon a a great book at the library- One Year To An Organized Life that we have already started on. It's a month by month, room by room clean out guide. There are a lot of journal exercises that I'm not prone to doing and the author references an organizing store that we don't have here, but it's great motivation for us and keeps us moving in tiny steps. There are also companion books for finances, work life and babies.
Our second goal is to get our finances into shape. With a huge student loan to pay off and a goal to buy a house in the near future, we are trying to reach our goals. A discovered Dave Ramsey, whom I have known of for a few years. A read his book The Total Money Makeover and is trying hard to get us working on his plan. And even though we more than doubled our income when I started working, it's STILL hard to manage without using credit cards. But we are trying it, making sacrifices and making it work.
Our third goal is tune up our relationship. With A gone, me home trying to balance everything and two kids each wanting attention taking time for each other has fallen by the wayside. We celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary lately and didn't even exchange cards. Now that I am back at work and evenings are filled with errands and prep for the next day, I finally feel that we are in need of a regular date night (although we have yet to work the expense into our aforementioned budget). When I wasn't working and we spend days together running errands alone together it wasn't as pressing as it is now. So we decided to take on this book- The Love Dare- to see how it goes. We may have to adapt some of the days due to scheduling conflicts. Although the book definitely has a biblical bent for us its about taking the time daily to think about how we interact with each other and remembering to appreciate them.
Of course I also have the standard resolutions of drink more water and exercise more along with spending more time with my kids, taking more time for myself, building a better network of friends and keeping up with friends and family too. And blogging more too, since I've only made a dismal 21 posts this year.

A simpler holiday season?

2011-11-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

Even though our lives might be frantic, they are familiar and change takes effort. For example, celebrating holidays by buying expensive gifts for friends and relatives may be stressful to our health and budget. But because the exercise is familiar, it seems easier to just do things the way we always have. Routine- even a hectic routine- gives structure and order to our lives that can be difficult to give up. Thus, simplifying initially is more complicated than the way we do things now.

Getting a Life

David Heitmiller and Jacqueline Blix

Constant Corrections

2011-11-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

Where to begin? I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged, but then again, I am so busy every day that I can believe that I haven't found the time. So many times I've thought "boy, I really need to catch up my blog", but it just kept getting put off in favor of other things.

The post graduation job hunt- I applied for a total of... three jobs. I interviewed for... two jobs. I was offered...two jobs. Yep, it really was that easy for me. I now have the job that I set as my goal when I first decided I wanted to go back to school. Some days I can't believe I actually work there now.

With the new job comes lots of hours, like 40 hours a week plus commute time where I also have to drop off two kids at two different locations. I am on my feet and working with patients all day long. I am barely even in my office to check my work email, let alone blog like I used to do. I find my job alternately amazing, fulfilling, frustrating and overwhelming. But I am making my way.

My home pursuits have become limited due to time factors. My day goes something like this:
5:50am     Wake up
7:00am     Leave house with boys
8:00am     Arrive at work
4:45pm     Leave work exhausted but happy (usually)
5:30pm     Return home with boys in tow
6:00pm     Feed babyzilla, then clean him up and put him to bed by 7pm
7:00pm     Make dinner and finish chores and prep work for next day
8:30pm     Kidzilla hits the hay
9:00pm     Lights out for Kidzilla
9:15pm     Collapse in bed
9:16pm- 5:49am   Attempt to sleep and wake up 4-6 times to nurse babyzilla

As you can see, not much time for leisure in there. Weekends are filled with swim lessons, trips to the library and errands, punctuated by naps for both me and babyzilla. It's a brutal schedule, but we're working with it. My one caveat for A was that when I went back to work full time we had to hire a maid service. So we did and it helps. If I could just now hire a dinner fixer, laundry folder and email checker... This is really a new chapter in our lives. For the first time since Feb 07 we are both working full time jobs. We are constantly refining our home standard operating procedures, checklists and timetables as we work things out. So many of those things that I had planned are out the door, lost to the wind. But I still try to make time for the things that really matter like snuggling with the boys in bed and surprising A with treats when he arrives home. Even when it means I have to put off blogging.

What makes a difference?

2011-09-27T13:16:00.000-04:00

With the frenzy of back to school, prepping for a new job, getting all those things that need to get done finished before said job begins, and daily life in general, it's been busy around here. A was right when he said that when I am off work I invent projects and make myself busy. His last few times at home have been filled with to do's and didn't get dones. As soon as he leaves, I'm left feeling like -was he really here? I knew that we should be savoring our time together, especially our time during the day when both kids are at their respective schools, but it just seems like there is so much that needs to be done.

This last trip home, I decided to try something- touch. I made a conscious effort to touch A more frequently. A hand on the knee when we were in the car, holding hands in a store, resting my hand on his shoulder while talking. Each touch was a reminder to me to slow down and appreciate that he was here, HOME, with me, at this moment. It worked- we didn't feel as rushed and I actually remember our time together. We spent more time just being with the boys and we were able to enjoy each other. A simple solution, but an effective one.

Because We're The Airline, That's Why

2011-09-21T13:28:00.000-04:00

Some days it feels like "The Airline" (in other words, the company that employs A) is a great paternalistic body that ultimately runs our life. Father decided where A flies, when his days off are, when he will get to upgrade, when he is allowed to take his vacation, whether he has to commute the day before or after his trip, and a whole host of other little instances.

Last month A lost a day off due to the hurricane that hit the Northeast. This happened to a great many pilots. So many in fact that the airline decided there was no way they could restore everyone's days off (give them back to be used as extra days off the following month) and instead just gave everyone an extra 10 hours of pay. Boom. Done. No arguing because Father Knows Best. The reality is that 10 hours of pay is probably a better deal for us anyway, but the idea that we didn't get to choose which we wanted- the day off or the extra pay- irritates me.

A has been back at work a full year now. But because he didn't start back until late in the year in 2010, he was only awarded 3 vacation days to use in 2011. THREE days. To cover a whole year. But no arguing with Father on this one either. Ultimately his schedule reflects an entire week off for vacation so we aren't sure what's going on with that. But we aren't bringing it up to Dad.

Sometimes the two way street in this relationship feels like a one way with a dead end. But I guess that's just another facet of living the dream.

Unmoored

2011-09-14T15:59:00.000-04:00

Ever since my internship ended six weeks ago, I've just been... waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting on a job, waiting for some ambition to come that will propel me to use my time wisely, waiting to find out what my new place in the world is meant to be. I can't give myself over to homemaking because I know that that is not what my end destination will be. But I go through the motions. I drop off and pick up the kids from school and daycare, I make sure the laundry is done and there is food. I spend time on the internet making plans for all the stuff that I want to buy when we have the money (ie when I'm working again). I try and pick up new skills like brushing up on my medical terminology, knitting and Dutch language skills. I work on all those little nagging to do's around the house and nag A to do the same when he's here. For the first time in nearly 6 years I have nothing to ground myself with- no job and no school. I find myself casting about all day long thinking, planning and scheming all the things I want to try for our family- regular vacations, reprising my interest in Waldorf education, learning more handcrafts, getting to know more mother's of infants, getting Kidzilla into some kind of sport, looking at homes for sale. I feel like I am unable to focus on anything and keep adding new things to my various to do lists without every really accomplishing anything. I guess I just don't deal with uncertainty well. Until I have something concrete lined up and know where I am going in life, this is how it's going to be. Hopefully it won't be for much longer.

Thinking about Coworkers

2011-09-04T12:24:00.003-04:00

Early morning, when I'm nursing my darling stillwakesupfourtimesanight angel at o'dark thirty, is prime time for my mind to wander and compose blog posts...

This morning I was thinking about pilots and coworkers and how different their relationships are from mine. I've always worked in cubicle towns, the kind where you can prairie-dog your head up and know everyone's business in your area. And you are able to develop relationships with your coworkers whom you see nearly every day. In the mornings you can check in with Melanie about her hot date last night, chat with Mylene about her upcoming wedding, run over to Sandy to get some invaluable parenting advice, complain with Linda about our husband's foibles, or announce to the whole department "OH. MY. GOD. You won't believe what Kidzilla did yesterday." Friendships develop naturally over time and the people you don't mesh with so well, you can somewhat avoid.

A, on the other hand, has no choice about whom he is thrown into a small space with for three or four consecutive days. Could be someone great whom he gets along well with or it could be someone its a trial to work with. Usually it's someone he's never met before. With somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 pilots from his airline alone based where he is, it could be months or ever years before he flies with the same guy twice. Or it could be again on the next trip. But the options to avoid the people you don't like and hang out with the people you do are limited. And when you do climb into the cockpit, its a crash course in relationship building- "we've never met, but we've got 25 hours alone together with nothing to do but yap at each other. Who's going to start?" Occasionally the together time is puctuated by the presence of the flight attendant, but for the most part its just the two of them. And its only if they happen to be in the crew room at the same time that he gets to follow up with someone he flew with previously and ask "hey, how did that thing we talked about work out?"

I'm not sure if I have the personality to put myself in that situation. Usually I'm shy, slow to warm up and private- traits not really conductive to quick relationship building. Luckily A is not- he's outgoing, the life of the party and can talk to anyone about anything. He could give a one hour discourse on flat paint vs eggshell vs gloss when painting a dresser. Or one on obscure pop hits of the 80's. Or evaluate your cell phone plan and recommend a new one. Or anything else that might come up. Sometimes I have to remind him to engage the "see it, think it, say it" filter when I need a bit of peace from his can't-stand-the-silence chatter. But these traits probably work to his favor in the relationship building area and as a pilot in particular. It's nice to think of something that A does that occasionally annoys the the heck out of me can also make his work life easier for him.

All in a days work

2011-09-02T19:11:00.003-04:00

Today I spent the day making this

for this guy

who is already 8 months old.

FIVE years of blogging happiness!

2011-09-01T10:43:00.005-04:00

There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer.

Today marks five years of blogging. I am amazed that I have managed to find enough to stay to keep going for this long. I am the girl who cringes at any sort of journaling task in school. I never anticipated it, but this blog has seen me through so many ups and downs- my first post was when A was still instructing at a local flight school. Eventually he got hired (!) by a regional and just when we thought we were settling into life he was diagnosed with cancer r. We made it through treatment and settled into the waiting period. A was contracting back at the flight school and I was trying not to wallow in misery. It was about this time that I wrote some of my most raw and bitter posts. But we made it through. A stood by my side when I announced that I was going to relocate our family to attend graduate school. I started looking into research on pilot wives and wrote my most popular post ever. I approached our Critical Incident Response Program Committee about putting together a resource for wives about their roles in an emergency situation which they were very excited about but eventually dropped the ball on. Things finally turned around for us and after three years of infertility, I finally got pregnant. A was finally able to return to work after two and a half years off. I graduated with a Master's degree. Today, we've settled into the routine of him working again, my managing two children and our life seems pretty stable for now. The initial quote was given to me by another pilot wife friend when I was in a time of need. It's always been a hopeful reminder to me when times are rough and I hope that now we are in a year of answers.

You have to keep going within yourself to find your own truth. If you don't keep discovering new truth, you'll just be rehashing and no one will want to listen to you.

When I first started this blog, I couldn't find any other blogs about being a pilot wife and it was difficult to find a network of friends. Through the past years, I seen some friends come and go as they took up with blogging and eventually found life leading them down other roads and blogging less- Emma, Nicole, FH and Global Gal are a few. I gradually changed my focus from all about aviation to more general things about my life. I guess I came to a point when I finally got out everything I needed to say about the lifestyle that had been bottled up. Joanna has taken up the reigns on that topic. But I still do try to write about things that come up, because they are frequent. And now there are tons of other pilot wife bloggers out there- some I follow and others I just know about. Most of the people who read my blog are people I DON'T know, which is an interesting feeling for me. If I can help one person make it through a rough patch, then it's been worth it.

Just as I didn't know what lay in store for us five years ago, I don't know what might come up in the next five years for us. I hope that the journey is good, with more ups than downs and that I can handle it all gracefully. That's all I can really ask for in life.

Along with some recognition for a job well done- so leave me a congratulations on putting it all out there for the last five years comment and provide me with the inspiration to keep on keeping on.

Hurricane effects

2011-08-29T09:17:00.002-04:00

Friday morning the hurricane past us off the coast of northern Florida. When I went outside in the morning, it was bright blue out with some high clouds. It was neat to see the clouds because if you followed them for their length, you could see that they were in a swirly, rotational pattern due to the hurricane action. 10 miles away the clouds over the beach were dark and nasty. By the time I got back from dropping the boys at their schools, it had cleared and during the day, we got nothing more than some overcast weather- no rain and very little wind.

A had to head to work on Friday. He made it up there and his trips were all in the midwest so he didn't have to fly through nasty weather. But he was still effected. The insurance companies that cover the airlines don't really want to have to replace millions of dollars of equipment due to hurricane damage, so they make the airlines relocate all of the planes out of harms way. *Several times when A was an instructor and bad weather was coming, the flight instructors had to move all the company planes away from the Florida coast locations. The usual spot was Dothan, Alabama. Who knows why. Several times we heard stories from the large group of instructors stuck there with nothing to do but wait out the hurricane at a bar and the giant party it became. Having passed through the bucolic town of Dothan, which appeared to be nothing more than a giant highway truck stop full of strip malls and fast food restaurants (a friend of mine from Dothan later confirmed that yes, that really was all there is to the town...) I can see why the bar was the popular attraction. *

So anyhoo, A's company had to move it's masses of planes away from their east coast base and relocate them in Tennessee and Texas to wait out the storm. And then had to put up the flight crews who had to fly those planes in hotels. A had one overnight canceled and ended up staying in Texas with hundreds of other company pilots who were stranded. Every time I talked to him, it sounded like a party- We're going to the pool, we're going to a restaurant, oh hey, so and so showed up here too. Sounded (insert sarcasm here) like they were all trying to make the best of the situation. I hope he was able to enjoy it though because the payback is going to be a bitch.

The trade off is that A had his day off rolled and now has to ferry a plane back to Newark before he can come home. And he's due in 3 minutes AFTER a flight for home leaves. If it's not completely oversold with stranded passengers and other jumpseaters. The airport is going to be a mess today with all of the different airlines trying to get their planes back into position and getting all the passengers from the 18,000 canceled flights to their eventual destinations. I don't think I envy either A or the airlines trying to get this all straightened out.

Jack of all trades, Master of one...

2011-08-13T19:47:00.005-04:00

From this

to this

I did it! I completed my Masters degree. The whole family traveled this journey with me and we've all not only learned new things but each has graduated to a new phase while I was in school. I could not have done it if we hadn't worked together as a family. While I was standing amid the 1200 other graduates during the processional, I got teary eyed as I thought about how for eight years I thought I wasn't smart enough for graduate school, how I thought I couldn't do it because A might not be there to help me and what would I do if I got pregnant during school and yet there I was- graduating.

Let my achievement be an inspiration and a catalyst for your own. You CAN take huge steps and follow your own dreams even if your spouse isn't there full time to help. The emotional support that they can provide is just as important as the physical help they might not be able to.

Worth the wait?

2011-07-31T17:47:00.002-04:00

There are times when the anticipation of A coming home is sweeter than the actual return. Those nights when he arrives home after being up for 20 hours, having sprinted through 2 airports to make 15 minute connections, having had to sweat it out for a seat after someone got there 2 minutes before he did, waiting 45 minutes for the shuttle to the economy lot to get the car. Or when he misses the last flight and has to make it to the crashpad, try to get 5 hours of sleep and then get back to the airport for the first flight out in the morning.

I try not to take his bad mood and tiredness personally, but really I'm no saint in that department. It can be hard when I've built up a fantastic, romantic (or not) reunion and he comes home and flops on the bed. Because, you know, who doesn't like to spend the night with Eau d'Jet Fuel emanating from next to you when you really needed the air in your tires checked before you headed to work in the morning. And to sweeten him up for the task you made his favorite dessert that he totally bypassed. Or worse yet, shoveled in in lieu of dinner in front of the child you made eat dinner first causing a crying fit you had to deal with on top of everything else. Sometimes the dream I'm livin' isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Not that he doesn't try, stopping at the airport to buy me my favorite soap or pulling out a trinket from an overnight. We all have our moments.

News I didn't want

2011-07-19T20:41:00.003-04:00

Today was a rotten day. I'd interviewed in June, twice, for two jobs at the hospital where I am interning. Today I (finally) got the info that one job had been filled by an internal candidate (who is not as qualified as I am, but is internal) and the other is now subject to a hiring freeze. The manager seemed sincere when she told me that she really wanted to keep in contact with me and she would let me know as soon as something opened up. I can't hold out long without a job, as much as I want to work there. So for now, I'm (disappointingly) back on the job market. Plus, I lost my sunglasses.

One of those nights I wish A was home instead of sitting in line to take off for a Washington DC turn followed by an overnight in some other state.

Goodbyes as the norm

2011-06-30T18:26:00.003-04:00

A recounted conversation (via text message) from yesterday:

Friend L: I'm in your neighborhood today. Can I stop by and see you this evening?

Me: Sure, I'm home after 5 and A is leaving for the airport around 6.

L: Should I come by later? I don't want to interrupt your goodby time.

Me: Are you kidding? Saying goodbye to him for a trip is as traumatic to me as you saying goodbye to F every morning. No big deal.

And it's true. Yesterday when A left for his trip (a 4 day) I couldn't even be bothered to get my rear off the couch. He got uniformed up, gave me a kiss, got a see ya later, and hit the door. His leaving for multiday trips is just so routine now that I don't even think about it. Meanwhile, my friends freak out when their significant others are gone overnight on trips and can hardly say goodbye.

Frankly, I don't mind when A is gone. And I really dig having the entire king size bed to myself (and the baby). It's so awesome to be able to switch sides and find a nice cool spot when I wake up hot during our warm summer nights. I've even caught myself wondering if I can come up with a reasonable excuse for A to sleep in the extra bed so I can have our bed to myself. That's a true confession of a pilot's wife right there.

The 6 months of adjustment

2011-06-26T21:30:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that tomorrow Babyzilla will be 6 months old. Already. How did that happen? He is adorable, the apple of my eye and Daddy's first and last thought every day. It would nice though, if he could get the night waking down to 2 times a night instead of 4. What can I say- he's a boy who loves boobies.

Things are finally settling in and I can enjoy my time again. Kidzilla's been shipped off for his annual summer in California and most nights it's just me and baby. A still has a crappy schedule with 12 days off a month and only 1 weekend. I still wish he'd bid down and get a good reserve schedule but he prefers knowing what his trips are going to be. He's flown with some characters lately that I mean to blog about, but haven't gotten around to yet.

My in-laws are coming to visit again this fall. A is doing his best to mitigate the intrusion into our lives that this is going to cause (ie, doing his job as a good husband to keep me from getting too annoyed). We'll see how that goes. For now, I've got just 6 weeks left until graduate. Me, with a Master's degree- I never thought this would happen. Now to find a job that pays enough to pay off those loans...

Syncronicity

2011-05-28T21:10:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the fates align and A gets a schedule that is just right. Like the one in December when he got the entire week we were moving off. And the all weekends off schedules of January and February. It's been getting a little harder to get good schedules as he's moving from the high rungs of the bottom of the barrel (ie reserve) to the lower rungs at the top of the barrel (a hard line). Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

Kidzilla had a long weekend at school and I had no place to send him while I worked. It just so happened that A was flying into our hometown that morning for a long layover. How convenient! So he ditched the rest of the flight crew and instead spent the day at the dentist, getting a hair cut, watching Kung Fu Panda 2 with Kidzilla and helping get Babyzilla's pictures done in the evening.

I only had one day that I needed him to have off in all of June. Kidzilla and I are spending a week at Cub Scout day camp. The one camp that is running during the week he is available is far enough away that it's easier for me to just stay and work at it instead of making two trips a day. Plus, I love working at camp. This year Kidzilla is old enough for the one night campout they have. BUT, A couldn't get the night off and there is no one to stay with Babyzilla at home. So I can't stay with Kidzilla. Not only does A have to work that night, but he has a trip that lasts nearly the entire week which means no help with Babyzilla when I'm exhausted from camp every evening. And since the company is running lean on staff right now, there's no chance to switch things around.

We'll just make due the best we can, like always.

Hotel freebies

2011-05-16T19:24:00.003-04:00

A stays in a lot of hotels. It's the nature of the job. If we wanted to, we could go without buying soap, shampoo, lotion, mouthwash, shower caps and shoe shine kits for the next 10 years. But I'm much to picky for hotel brand toiletries. Unless they are the Aveda ones he brings home occasionally.

Instead, I've become a notepad junkie. I love to make lists. About anything. It helps clear my mind and keep me organized. And with the wide variety of hotel notepads A has access to, I can always find the perfect notepad for my need. The Country Inns and Suites one is small with lines- perfect for short notes slipped into A's suitcase or Kidzilla's lunch. Radisson and LaQuinta are small and perfect for keeping bedside, in the purse, car or diaper bag. Hyatt Place is long and narrow- perfect for a grocery list. Crowne Plaza and Pur are bigger- just right for next to the phone at home and work. Sheraton is two-tone, with lines perfect for Kidzilla to write on. The Inn at Ellis Square had a huge lined one that is perfect for making notes on at work. And my all-around favorite is from the Fiesta Inn- it's lined, good sized and comes with check boxes (check boxes!!!) to I get the glorious feeling of checking things off my list. We also have a huge assortment of matching hotel pens, but they are mostly indistinguishable. They are great for keeping on my desk at work though because it's no big deal if someone walks off with them. And everyone in the office knows that if it's a hotel pen it's probably mine.

We are also the proud owners of approximately 1 bazillion Crowne Plaza plug in nightlights. If there is ever a fire, we can follow the trail of lights to the nearest exit. Which in some cases may be located behind us.

I take my perks where I can get them.

Becoming the mother I want to be

2011-05-08T16:48:00.003-04:00

After lamenting in the last post about how I'm not able to have the lifestyle I thought I would, I have to remember that there are still good things. I am still evolving and doing things differently this time around. I feel like this time I have more support for doing things that are not quite the mainstream. Or maybe A just lets me run rampant over him in the parenting realm. Whatever it is, I appreciate it. This time around I am:

Breastfeeding the baby- last time, I lasted two weeks and caved to the formula and bottles beckoning me from the cabinet when I was sore. This time I refused to keep any formula in the house and pushed through the soreness. And while, for me, nursing is not the glorious, womanhood fulfilling sap-fest that videos make it out to be, it is pretty cool. And cheap compared to the special allergen free formula I would have to purchase otherwise.

Cloth diapering- last time, my partner wasn't into cloth diapering. Or changing any diapers Or parenting a baby much at all. This time, we have the cloth diapers, the diaper sprayer A attached to our toilet and A will happily run a load through the wash. And keep me in giggles while pretending to carry on about how terrible changing diapers is. Unless it's the middle of the night, when he makes the changes as quietly as possible.

Co-sleeping- Yes, I sleep with the baby in bed with me. It is a wonderful way for us, and A when he's here, to feel close to the baby after we've been apart all day. And it makes breastfeeding easier. And I get more sleep. We are extremely cautious of pillows, blankets, pets or Kidzilla on the bed around the baby. And to paraphrase a respected expert on the subject- People die from choking every year but we won't try to tell people to avoid eating. Babies die in car accidents every year but we don't outlaw babies riding in cars. Instead we try to find ways to make those activities as safe as possible. Bed sharing should be the same way.

Aside from the giant hunk of plastic Exersaucer that I bought today, second hand at least, for the most part we are avoiding plastic toys. And anything that plays music. Baby gets the expensive wooden, European made, organic made variety of stuff. We show our love by paying twice the cost for the toy I guess.

For Mother's Day, I'm counting all this as progress towards becoming the mother *I* want to be. Now to go retrieve Babyzilla from being lovingly encased in Fisher-Price designed faux arms...

It wasn't supposed to be like this...

2011-05-07T17:59:00.002-04:00

When Kidzilla was a baby I hated working full time. I swore that if I ever had another child that I would NOT work. Instead I'd spend all day planning and cooking delicious, organic meals fresh from the farmer's market, attending Gymboree classes and La Leche League meetings, and picking out the perfect new couch for my mansion. And that is so NOT where I am at right now. Instead, I'm stuck on the endless loop of: wake up, prep me and the boys for work/school, work, arrive home, unpack from work/school, repack for work/school and sleep. Sometimes on the weekends we get to go to the library or for a walk when I'm not busy doing all those things I can't do because I have to work. OK, well actually it's an unpaid internship, but you get the gist. Although I LOVE my internship, this cycle is so, so hard. On all of us. I hate that I spend an hour in the morning and more than that in the evening hoping that Babyzilla will stay asleep so I can get other things done. I want to be able to ENJOY my baby. For goodness sakes, it took us three years to make him- that's how bad we wanted him. This is so not what I desired.

Part of the problem is the halt to upgrades that all of the airlines face. If A were making a captain's salary right now, things would be easier. Probably if I hadn't just racked up a good sized debt earning a graduate degree that would help too; although I could pay that off with part time work, if such a thing were available. I feel like I'm back to thinking- NEXT time I have a baby I will be able to have the life I want to have. But I don't want to have to think like that. Like Joel Osteen promotes, I want my best life NOW.

I did have it out with A a few weeks ago, a yelling and weeping fit, that eventually enabled us to clear up some miscommunication. When he was at home and I was at work, I would leave him a list with a few to-do's on it. When he wouldn't have them done when I got home, I got angry. He would spend the evening doing them instead of helping me with my evening routine, which would help my stress level. Once I left him home for a few hours with a hungry Kidzilla and a crying Babyzilla in the evening and let him fend for himself, he understood what it was like for me. Now he works a bit harder to complete the need to do's before I get home so he can be more helpful in the evenings. It was kind of a watershed moment for us, albeit not a pretty one. Like it or not, for now his relaxation time comes during his 33 hour overnights in Podunk, USA- when he's here, it's all hands on deck so *I* can get a break.

For now, we do the best we can to balance all of the competing interests and hope that someday we'll get to the place where things ARE the way they are supposed to be.

Busier than ever

2011-03-27T13:00:00.002-04:00

I am probably the busiest I have ever been as I settle back into working life. I'm interning in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at our local hospital, the unit where babies from other hospitals get transferred to for special care. I also help cover the labor, delivery and postpartum floors. I am on my feet and busy the entire time I am there. But, it is fascinating and I love it. I have seen babies born at 28 weeks gestation, babies with congenital abnormalities and babies born to mom's who show up at the hospital in labor and high on crack, just in one week. No more time to sit around blogging like I used to do at my old job...

And while I am loving the job, we have yet to settle into a routine where I feel like I can get things done and still relax. My day is like this: get up, shower, get kids up/dressed/fed/ready, daycare drop off, school drop off, arrive at work, navigate my way around hospital maze for 6.5 hours, return to car, school pick up, daycare pick up, feed baby, unpack bags/lunches from day, make dinner, feed baby, pack bags for next day, feed cats, clean up after cats, feed baby, fall into bed exhausted. NO time for picking up the house, laundry, errands ect. I hate having my weekend dedicated to housekeeping and not having any time for fun.

Right now we are torn as to whether A should bid for weekends or weekdays off. It would be nice to have him home when I am, so we can spend time together. BUT, really, I can use his help more in the morning/evening weekday rush and he gets more chores done when I am at work. BUT, that means we have less time together as a family and for just the two of us. I'd say we should choose whatever schedule enhances our relationship the best, but it's hard to say which one that is- they both have their pros and cons. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have him here BOTH evenings AND weekends...

A revealed to me that his old company from his pre-flight days was asking around if he was happy because they miss his work. It's tempting and would be a 3x increase in salary. But A says he could never again spend 10 hours a day sitting in an office. I like to remind him of that statement everytime he complains about having a sit in an airport...

Updating our roster

2011-03-09T13:19:00.009-05:00

Forgive me, I know you've been waiting to hear...

Babyzilla was born 9 days early and arrived on December 27, 2010. His arrival was hastened due to a combination of growth retardation and virtually no amniotic fluid left- basically, he stopped growing and had no water to cushion him or his cord if I went into labor. He arrived into the world weighing just 6 lbs, 4oz. We ended up having to send a friend out to buy preemie diapers for our little bundle of joy. He is doing well now though and is over 10lbs at 2 1/2 months.

We were completely unprepared for Babyzilla's arrival- we had just assembled the crib and starting washing the baby clothes the day before. We went in for a routine check at the Maternal-Fetal Specialist (well, as routine as one can get when you have to see a specialist twice weekly for months on end) with the intent of going out for breakfast afterwords. We were told "go to the hospital immediately, you need to deliver this baby" and I spent the next 6 hours STARVING because I wasn't allowed to eat until the delivery. A managed to slip away from the hospital to grab a snack... Even though I didn't labor, my doula still came to the delivery and was a huge comfort! Everyone should have a doula!

The delivery was uneventful. I was taken to the OR and was grateful that A is so talkative. His 30 minute conversation about aviation, schools and work with the anesthesiologist kept my mind off the procedure. He also managed to snap some shots of the doctor pulling the baby out. I was so happy that A even got to be there, the nasty storms in the Northeast almost prevented him from coming home. As it was, he arrived home a day late from his trip due to mechanical issues that kept him in TN for TWO(!) days. A was only granted 6 days of emergency leave to be home but combined with his days off, it stretched into 16 days home. He's been back at work since but early comes home and takes over baby care during his days off.

All has gone well thus far. My parents came and stayed for 4 weeks, which was an amazing help. We've also had visits from my in-laws and an aunt. I'm already prepping to start my internship at the end of the month.

Several hours old

Dad leaving for the first time

Particular to pilots

2010-12-01T11:32:00.002-05:00

Someday's "You Know Your Husband Is a Pilot When" List:

You leave TO DO Flows, not lists

Text messages begin with "Be advised"

You receive random text messages encoded with airport call letters which mean nothing to you because you don't have the codes memorized for every possible airport he could fly to

Calls are interrupted with "Stand by" and resume with "Go ahead"

You are frequently told "Disregard" instead of "never mind"

Your assessment of the weather (ie. "it's hot") is always countered with the exact temperature and visibility

At every intersection you give the "clear right" challenge and response

You are occasionally critiqued by being told "you are driving just like a first officer flying on autopilot and not paying attention to the controls"- (BTW, this is not a good use of Crew Resource Management in a marriage, despite how well it might work in a cockpit)

Plans like "well, I'll just fly from Jax to Atlanta to Tallahassee, take a cab to the apartment, pick up my car and drive back to Jax. Should be home around 3pm" seem not only plausible, but actually the best option.

Pilots have not only their own lexicon, which is infiltrating our family, but also a peculiar way of thinking sometimes.

The other day, I dropped A off at the airport, in uniform, to head to work. For some reason, this time it felt like a lot of people were watching us. Admittedly, it was a busy day at the airport, but I know I saw a few heads swivel and stare. At first I wondered why but then I realized that most people never see uniformed pilots outside of an airport or plane. It's like they are robots that are put away in some magic airport closet at night. So it appears out of context to see a travel dirty car with a kid asleep in the back seat pull up, a pilot hop out, his very pregnant wife hop out, give him a peck on the lips, a slap on the ass and a "have a good trip, see ya in a few" and then leave him on the curb as she goes tearing off to make dinner with her friends. People probably expect something much more romantic than that. If they only knew that the car ride to the airport was probably spent arguing about the dishes that didn't get done or the uniform shirt that needs to be picked up from the cleaners... I guess this does happen in other professions too. If I saw my pediatrician telling her kid "no you can't have a candy bar" and watched him throw a fit on aisle three of the local Publix, I would probably feel out of sorts too.

And finally, the posterity pictures. Every pilot wife I know has at least one picture of her husband in the cockpit, standing next to his plane, or doing some other piloty thing. I admit, I have one on my nightstand. Is it a proof thing- yes he really is a pilot and really does exist? A pride thing? I racked my brain trying to come up with other professions that do this as well: Firefighters, police and some military with their accouterments- probably. UPS drivers next to their big brown trucks- possibly. Accountants, computer programmers, salesmen beaming proudly from their cubicles- probably not. I can't recall ever having a picture of husband #1 kicked back in his roller chair at work.

And with those thoughts in mind, I'm back to the grindstone as I finish my last week of classes EVER for my graduate degree.

Thanksgivings past

2010-11-25T18:59:00.002-05:00

This year A is in NJ on reserve so it's just Kidzilla and I. We lounged in our pj's, I packed some boxes and did some homework. We'll make up the holiday when A gets home.

I had lots of time to think back on previous Thanksgivings. My first as an adult was when I was living in Medford, OR. My parents came up and they, my boyfriend and I took them to dinner at a fancy "Oregon grown" restaurant. It was terrible. They ran out of turkey and the pie was undercooked. My parents came to visit us for several more Thanksgivings in Oregon when I was in college- I remember sometimes picking them up from the airport and heading straight to dinner. We always went to the Oregon Electric Station, a fancy restaurant with a train car inside and it was always good. My most memorable Oregon Thanksgiving came from a year my parents didn't visit us. And a work acquaintance showed up at my door with pies, cornbread and a turkey breast because she knew I didn't have anywhere to go that year. Although I can't remember that co-worker's name anymore, I'll never forget her thoughtfulness.

Many years and uneventful Thanksgivings passed until another co-worker again stepped in with kindness. Thanksgiving came about 10 weeks after I separated from my first husband and I just didn't feel like attending the usual big family gathering. I sent Kidzilla with my parents and instead headed out to my bosses apartment to spend the day with her and her mom. I sat on the couch all day with a Glamour magazine and didn't have to explain myself to anyone. It was exactly what I needed.

Although I miss being around my family for the holidays, I'm not sad about spending the day alone. This year I'm thankful for my wonderful husband, my two boys and all the opportunities that have come my way.

Navigating communication

2010-11-02T15:50:00.002-04:00

I visited the maternal-fetal medicine specialist today for my weekly appointment. The news was not so good and despite my best efforts, I may be looking at bed rest, steroids to enhance development, and early delivery. But we're trying to forestall all that. A is off on a trip, his first since leaving the last one early.

As soon as I finished at the doctor, I did what all wives are inclined to do- deliver the news to their husbands. So I sent him several text messages summarizing the appointment. And then I though about what I had just done. Did he really need to know that info, and in turn worry about it, RIGHT THEN?

Would it have been better to delay giving him the info until the end of the day? The end of the trip? Would it be distracting to him to know what was going on and potentially give the NTSB something to latch on to if there was ever an inflight emergency (ie distraction causing pilot error)? I've heard that pilot personal issues is one of the first questions they ask about when investigating.

Next time I talk to A- probably not tonight due to our conflicting schedules and his Canadian overnight-we'll have to figure out the best way of communicating this kind of info and what he wants me to do if even worse news, of any sort, ever comes up. Then maybe we'll run though a few scenarios in the simulator for good measure...

Because you can't make this stuff up...

2010-10-27T10:46:00.003-04:00

A managed two flights of his trip then had to visit the base clinic because his ears were bothering him so much. Boom! Taken off the trip, told not to fly for at least 3 days, given an Rx for steriods and told to see an ENT when he gets home (hmmm, how to get home without flying?). Yep, because my honey is Murphy's Law personified. Ironically, when I was posting yesterday I almost put in a line about how long it would be until our next issue cropped up. Guess it was only a matter of time...

Git 'er done

2010-10-26T09:48:00.002-04:00

I'm down to my last six weeks of classes. Which is great because although I love being in school, homework is taking it's toll on me. And life is taking it's toll on my homework. It seems like it's just been one thing after another lately.

Yesterday we found out I've got too low of fluid for the baby and narrowly avoided being hospitalized last weekend. So now I've got to manage to drink two liters of water a day and report in for monitoring weekly. At the doctor's office that is three hours away. As much as I love a good road trip, this is going to drive me nuts. However, it's only for 6 weeks until we move there permanently. Bright side, bright side.

The weekend before that, A's eagle eye and obsessive account monitoring caught some fraudulent charges on my bank card. I can only wish that I had actually been in Sao Paulo, Brazil. So we had to spend a few hours taking care of that mess. Which seems to have worked out positively. Bright side, bright side.

I have 17 items on my to do list this week- ranging from scheduling moving tasks to contacting the Dean of Students at Kidzilla's school to make sure I don't get labeled a habitual truant for having him out of school all the times I have to drive to the Dr. On top of reading 7 textbook chapters (boring!), writing a policy brief (est time 5 hrs) and taking both a quiz and exam online. Plus I've got to manage Kidzilla's commitments (football, trick or treating, homework) AND try and keep up with A. Oh, but the accomplishment I'll feel when I get it all done... Bright side, bright side.

On a positive note, A started his first trip back today. It's hard to believe it's finally here. He made it through re-training, still mostly fits in his uniform, and managed to navigate to the crew room at his new base without incident. He hasn't flown since 2/25/08 due to this. I'm going to have to review some old posts to remember what it was like when he was flying the line previously. This one should be helpful. A is worried because he isn't here to monitor my water intake for himself (silent head nodding from those readers who know what I'm talking about) and because all the driving means I might have to take the car into for it's regular service ALL BY MYSELF. He may have his issues, but I love him just the same.

If I can just make it through the next six weeks, then all I will have to worry about is nesting and prepping for another adventure.

Settling in

2010-10-06T19:10:00.002-04:00

A's been in training for over a month now. It seems to be going well and he's passed every thing so far. It's strange because it's almost like he was never home. It feels so familiar to have him gone and be on my own. And maybe that's my problem. I like being on my own a little too much- when he comes home I get get prickly, like he's invading my space.

Lately when he comes home, I feel like he's critiquing and criticizing everything I've done while he's away. "Why did I buy this salad dressing? Why did I let Kidzilla do XYZ? Why are the measuring cups here?" Is it some coping mechanism for him to assert himself as still part of the family even though he's gone a lot? I realized though that if I were gone for a week and came home to a house filled with food I didn't buy and a schedule I didn't put together that I would probably feel a little disoriented as well. So I need to cut him a little more slack and realize that he's not being critical (mostly) and is just trying to get a feel for things. I know he knows I can run the family just fine in his absence and he trusts me not only to do it but also not to get so fed up with him being gone that our family falls apart. But he needs to work on that pilot need to be in control all the time as well- it's not a big deal if Kidzilla sleeps with his head at the foot of the bed. He needs to trust me on that one too.

Burning questions

2010-09-24T15:54:00.003-04:00

While reminiscing about the good old days of flying not long ago (remember when they GAVE you food instead of selling it? When employee dress codes didn't allow jeans or shorts and required coats for men and hosiery for women in First Class? And my favorite- when United Air Lines used to give out those snazzy little blue triangle packets of macadamia nuts as snacks instead of dry salty pretzels?) I was reminded of the calculation challenge pilots would always give on flights to Hawaii.

Now this was back in the days before in-seat entertainment. Back when the flight attendants would pull down a big movie screen and turn on the overhead projector to show a grainy movie you couldn't really see because of all the seats in front of you. Before they had the instant navigation screens that showed you where you were on three different maps, how long you had been in the air and how long you had to go, in three different languages.

At the beginning of Hawaii flights, the pilots would always give the distance, airspeed, headwind/tailwind speed, altitude and some other data and whomever could calculate the halfway point of the flight (was it time or distance?) would win a bottle of champagne. Not that I'm going to Hawaii anytime soon, but I've always wondered- how do you solve that equation?

Growing pains

2010-09-14T09:56:00.003-04:00

All day long on the 12th, the date was nagging me. There was nothing going on, nothing I missed, no one's birthday. I couldn't put my finger on it but it felt like *something* more significant than it was just the day after the 11th. Finally, at 8pm at night, while skyping with A I realized what it was.

September 12 was my former wedding anniversary. For seven years in my twenties, it had been a big day. The seventh year was the biggest because it was also the day we split up. Our divorce was supposed to have been final on September 12th of the following year, but the attorney was a bit lax on getting the paperwork in so we weren't finalized until mid-October.

In counseling, we'd call this lack of recognition progress and healing. Which I guess it was. But it feels just as strange to have lost what was once such a significant day as it does somewhat awkward to remember it when I'm (happily) married to someone else.

We had met in High School; in the band. We dated, moved away to college together and eventually got married just short of the 6 year mark. I was 21 and he was 22 and at the time, it just seemed like the natural progression- we had no reason to break up, so why not get married? After college we moved back to CA and started our real lives. I was immersed in a job surrounded by women and moms. I decided I was ready for a family. He was immersed in a job surrounded by techies and yuppies. He wanted that life. We had Kidzilla and while things were never bad, they were never that great either. About two weeks before that final anniversary things came to a head where we knew they had to change somehow. Those weeks of misery and tears ended when we decided to split for a while and he moved out. About six weeks later he ended up meeting the woman he is now married to. About six weeks after that, I met A. I don't think either one of us was expecting to meet someone else so quickly, we were still mulling over the get back together options at the time, but it seems to have worked out for the best. Even though it alternately delights me and freaks me out that he (and the new wife) are still fairly close with my parents. Like my parents invite them for dinner and attended their wedding close.

Even though I *KNOW* that I am happier now than I was in that marriage there is still one thing that I'm not sure I can ever forgive him for and that I'll always wonder about. He never put up any kind of fight to keep me. Why? Was our family really not worth it? Never did he say "wait, this isn't what I want" or anything like that. He just kind of blithely accepted it all. I think at the time, it gave me the strength to power through what had to be done, but still, it will always hurt to know that he didn't think enough of us or want his family enough to fight for us. At all.

Looking back, I have no regrets about the decisions I made and where it's led me to now. But I think the unanswered questions will always be there. I'm not sure I would want to know the answer though.

Trying to keep organized

2010-09-09T11:26:00.002-04:00

Growing up, I was the classic over scheduled kid- Girl Scouts, music lessons, dance, softball, gymnastics. I always had at least 2 activities going on at all times. And while I've dialed it down a bit for my own child, I wrestle with how much is enough and how much is too much. And how does it all balance with my own commitments?

This fall we have committed to two things, Cub Scouts and flag football. Which, of course, overlap. And overlap with my class schedule as well. Because even though there are seven days in a week, all scheduled activities must occur on only two of them. Because that's the way the universe likes to play.

The following is a Facebook interaction I had with my friend the Nancinator about my scheduling difficulties:

S-Trying to figure out how to get kid unit 1K to connect with football practice slot 1P when the parental connector units 1M and 1D are in school or at work 4 states away during practice time.

N- Some assembly required

S- If I had access to a nanny 1.1N facilitator or a neighbor 1.2N facilitator it might work out, but those come by special order only and are hard to come by here. Or a family 1F bridger unit...

N- sorry - those options don't come with the starter kit. you'll have to upgrade to basic village set 2V.

S- That's what I get for trying to make do with just the nuclear family 2.0 starter pack

How to be a supportive spouse

2010-09-02T11:52:00.002-04:00

Listen and pretend not to be distracted or uninterested when he talks about his day. Reassure him that yes, winter ops, V speeds, and oil pressures are just as interesting to you.

Don't take it personally when he calls and is in a bad mood because of some mix up at the training center or base. Even when he takes it out on you.

Remind him that he's necessary by calling to ask stupid questions like what brand of sliced cheese he buys for the kid's lunch or by bemoaning the atrophy of your arm muscles since he's been around to open all of the jars in the house.

Promise to send him treats in the mail, even if you keep forgetting to follow through. Blame it on the slowness of the mail or that he's home every weekend anyway.

Remind yourself he's practicing Crew Relations when he goes out with friends at night while you are at home washing dishes, supervising homework and implementing bedtimes.

If it's winter, remind him how much you miss his bedwarming services. If it's summer, tell him how difficult it is to simultaneously adjust the fan and lay in bed so you know the fan is adjusted properly. Remind him that at least he can crank the AC down to 68 degrees without a) having to pay the bill and b) listening to you complain how cold it is.

Tell him how much you miss his keeping you on your toes with his constant relocations of the lens cleaner, coasters, and measuring cups, from the places they've been kept for the past year to his new preferred locations.

Forget to mention the "honey do" list you started 10 minutes after he left.

Tell yourself it's flattering if he calls you frequently because it means he misses you and is showing his care and concern. Tell yourself it's flattering he he doesn't call because he recognized your strength and independence and doesn't feel he needs to check on you.

The day that finally came

2010-08-30T10:49:00.002-04:00

It's here. It happened. The day we knew would eventually come but blithely thought we could avoid forever. A went back to work. After 30 months off. I'm thankful that he's able to go back to the career he reached for for so long. But a bit wistful as well.

It's a strange transition. I know what it's like to live this life, it's what I lived most of the time that we've been together. But now I know the other life too. I wish I could find a compromise of the two. At least with both Kidzilla and me in school, we are occupied. I've been trying to outline some sort of routine for us to keep things organized, it will come with time.

After having spent the past 7 weeks joined at the hip while I've been on summer break, this is probably the best possible time for him to be away for a while. Since we had two weeks notice of his upcoming retraining, we were able to mentally prepare ourselves. But still, yesterday there were tears at the airport. Not the big bawling kind there were the first time I dropped him off for training, but a few. There was also the morning packing episode where A finally showed his stress about going. But together we finally got all of his things correctly and compactly packed. He left us with last minute instructions about the best place to park our car in the complex, instructions on proper dishwashing techniques and a request to please not spend too much money at the grocery store- all signature A worries when he's not here to supervise. I was touched that he was so concerned about us being on our own, sometimes we all forget to tell people how much we care about them.

The most difficult part of this training, for Kidzilla and me, (aside from having to have Kidzilla at the bus stop at 6:40am daily) is that due to the limited flight schedule at our local regional airport, for most of A's time off between training sessions, we are going to have to rondevu in Jacksonville, three hours away. A simply CAN'T get home to our local airport and have any reasonable amount of time home before he has to go back. Thankfully we have a place to stay in Jacksonville, because we'll be headed there for at least the next three consecutive weekends. Incidentally, I think we finally found the one positive thing about working for Gulfstream Airlines- they don't fly on Saturdays. At all. Not enough to outweigh the negatives, but at least it's something.

This going back to work process has been interesting. There was recently a round of recalls for furloughed pilots as well and the training center seemed to have difficulty with the fact that A was a return to work off disability and NOT a furloughee. I was able to connect with another pilot wife from the company who's husband was also returning to work off disability and we were able to bounce experiences off of each other. It was a sanity saver because we were both being told different things at different times. Our husbands ended up in training together. Hopefully it's the start of a long friendship for us all.

It was so frustrating knowing that different people were being told different things. As a "helper" type person (I'm a social worker after all), I want so bad to sit down with the heads of HR and training and say "hey, this was our experience and I know you can do better. Here's my suggestions". If I were in charge of HR I would want to know so I could make everything the most streamlined and efficient as possible. But in large companies, it just doesn't seem to happen that way. At this point though, any effect I did have would be negated by the fact that the company was bought out and is merging with another a year or so down the road anyway.

For now, I'll just concentrate on getting through my last semester of classes (already!) and finding time to enjoy what I have instead of finding all the ways that everyone else could be doing a better job of things.

Trip report

2010-08-25T09:41:00.003-04:00

While shopping online for something else recently, I came across a write up for a "Child Avaiation Restrain System" . I had to chuckle when I read that it "is FAA certified for all phases of flight " taxiing, take off, turbulence and landing." Since when did turbulence replace cruise as a phase of flight? I guess I didn't realize that turbulence was a given during a flight. I'll reserve my judgment on the actual equipment for another time.

I recently took a quick trip out to California, my first trip there in 2.5 years. Thanks to pricing, I got to fly on American Airlines, whom I've never flown with before, and Delta, whom I haven't flow with for years. A survey of good and bad experiences during the trips:

Departing from JAX, I made it from the curbside drop off, through check in and security, to my gate (at the far end of the terminal) in just 17 minutes. A wasn't even off the airport property yet.

The Pilots for the flight arrived from their hotel about 10 minutes after we were due to begin boarding. The Flight Attendants arrived from the hotel about 10 minutes AFTER we were due to take off.

American Airlines was too cheap to through any blankets or peanuts at us during the flight, even after the crew caused (and probably preventable) delay, but I did get several free drinks and was impressed with cool gel/foam headrests on the seats.

We made up most of the delay in flight, I made my connection to SFO and other than being fantastically hungry, all was well.

For the return flight on Delta, it took Kidzilla and I about 35 minutes to make it to our gate, mainly because we got shuttled into the "family" line at security and had to wait for all of the parents who couldn't figure out what they were supposed to do. We could have made it through the regular line just fine, but at that point I just let it go.

We boarded the plane behind a tourist family with 4 daughters. Who then proceeded to back up the boarding line by having to discuss who was going to sit where and next to whom while we all had to stand there waiting for them. Finally, I snarled at them "do you think you could let us by and then continue this?" They all promptly sat down quietly. The gentleman who was seated in the row with Kidzilla and I seemed a little afraid of me after that. Hopefully next time, the family will hash out who sits where BEFORE they get on the plane; to me that seems like the common sense, polite thing to do.

Foresight led me to purchase two bagels and a water prior to leaving SFO. It was a good decision because it took 2.5 hours for the FA's to get our drinks out to us. And we only got one round of drinks during the entire 4+ hour flight. The delay wasn't due to turbulence or anything I could identify; I guess I should have just been happy they made it to the flight on time. Or not, because then maybe they would have given us better service to make up for the delay. But at least we got free peanuts and blankets on this trip. And some free TV.

When we arrived in ATL, we sat on the tarmac through a 1.5 hour weather delay groundstop. It really sucked. Although our outbound plane was delayed, giving us enough time to eat, all of the airport food vendors were closed due to the late hour. Ironically, the FA's were late for this flight as well, although it was excusable because the plane they were on was also held on the tarmac due to the groundstop. We finally made it in to JAX at 1:50am. To find that our one checked bag had been left in ATL.

Due to our start and end locations our trip involved driving 3 hours west to fly 7 hours east to drive 3 hours west again. Isn't that the way life goes?

What the future holds

2010-08-05T22:16:00.002-04:00

I had this great post outlined talking about some general things about the aviation industry. Then something more personal and pressing came up.

A got his clearance to return to work last Friday. As expected, it evoked mixed feelings but overall, we viewed it as a good thing. He called the Chief Pilot on Tuesday to work things out, made arrangements to fly to Houston for the day to sign some papers and pee in a cup, and generally was gearing up to go back to work. Irritatingly (although understandably) he has to resubmit the same paperwork he did as a new hire- updated list of previous addresses, list of previous employers, all that good stuff again.

Then we woke up to a text message from a friend on Wednesday morning saying that the company had been sold. Sure enough, major changes in the works. Potential changes in bases, equipment flown, benefits; it's all up in the air now. What we do know is that when they integrate the seniority lists, we are going to get hard. Because they will deduct all but the first 90 days of A's disability leave as time not worked. Meaning he'll come in at nearly 2.5 years less in seniority then his date of hire would indicate. Which means he'll get crappier schedules and be closer to any potential furloughs. Just because he had cancer. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Currently, when he goes back, he'll be starting at 2nd year pay, despite being hired over 3 years ago. And he'll have to start over on vacation accrual and his 1 year probationary period with the company. At least that's what we can figure after reading over the pilot contract. But at least at his old company, he'd keep his seniority meaning that coveted captain upgrade would come that much sooner.

It feels like one of those two steps forward, three steps back kind of situations. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Vacations...

2010-07-30T14:56:00.009-04:00

A has discovered his dream vacation place. It's a lovely little two bedroom in Costa Rica. He did't choose it due to the location, cost, or activities, but because we can stay in this:

And really, what self respecting pilot wouldn't want to stay in a recycled 727? Admittedly, it does look like a pretty awesome place. The view of the balcony and the view OFF the balcony:

The master bath, complete with exit door:

More pictures of the "hotel room" here. All this can be yours for only $500 per night ($400 in the off season). And as a perk, they even have a second airplane turned into a restaurant/bar!

What more could a pilot want?

Oh yeah, how about an income that would allow one to take leisure vacations to exotic locales such as this one? I'd settle for one that allowed us to afford to take a vacation anywhere right now. Still, Costa Rica is now on our list, right after all those other things that cost money like a house on the river, a few motorcycles, a boat, college savings for our children and all the other places we'd like to travel to.

How the other half lives

2010-07-19T14:54:00.003-04:00

It's been several years since I've visited California or even been on an airplane at this point. I won't be traveling this holiday season, so I jumped at the chance to spend a week with my parents in the mountains prior to flying Kidzilla home from his summer. Then I went through the process of buying tickets.

The way I've always acquired tickets is something like this- log on to the company website (or call if it was prior to internet availability), pick my flights and list for them. All in all, it took about 10 minutes. I could list whomever was flying for each flight. Easy-peasy.

Since we don't have our benefits back yet, we had to go the route of the masses and book a ticket through an online site. Super PITA! Initially we were given such great options like a "Delta" flight to CA that consisted of 4 separate legs, each on a different Delta Connection carrier. And of course, A has his airline preferences and vetoed flights by certain carriers as well (let's hear it for the brotherhood of ALPA pilots!). Wading through all of the flight parings offered, on all of the different airlines was time consuming to say the least. And surprisingly, it was cheaper to fly on different airlines for trips there and back. It took about 45 minutes to book a single round trip ticket for me. We figured it would be easy to book the same flights home for Kidzilla as a one way trip. Except for the part where you can't book a ticket online for a minor traveling without an adult and there was no way for us to link my flight with his. We ended up having to call Customer Service who couldn't do an override. They had to cancel my trip all together and then we had to rebook the entire trip as two one way trips, which of course cost even more money. Overall it was a nearly 2 hour process just to get a round trip for me and a one way for Kidzilla. I sure hope it's worth it.

It's also that time that comes every other year for us, the biennial CFI renewal. Anyone who went through the process of actually becoming a Certified Flight Instructor will remember the challenge and not want to let their license lapse if they ever have the slightest chance of flight instructing again. Since A intends to teach both Kidzilla and Babyzilla to fly one day, he (I) suffer through renewals. Which means I get randomly subjected to such interesting tidbits as "did you know that the human eye can only focus to 5 degrees of center for each eye?" Uh huh, yep, great, thanks for sharing. I also get to (suffer through) enjoy hearing a run down of all the recently occurring preventable accidents as well as a litany of new security measures. Nothing beats being trapped in a car with A for three hours during renewal time. Thankfully it's done now and I am off the hook for another two years.

We are staying in Jax for a long week so I can enjoy the central air and community pool. It's heaven. We have no couch here, just a few armchairs, so I dragged a twin air mattress downstairs, loaded it with pillows and dubbed it "the divan". It's wonderful. We have no TV or internet service at our place, which is not so wonderful, but I guess we all have to make trade-offs in life.

How it is

2010-07-14T11:19:00.003-04:00

The day after I finished my summer classes, I fell into a pit of lethargy. I wake up around 9 am, spend the day eating, reading and watching movies, eventually heading back to bed around midnight. I have others things I could be doing, but I'm just not interested. We do try to stagger out of the house at least once a day, but the heat is so stifling that it's just miserable. Maybe I'm just making up for having worked so hard for the past year.

Kidzilla's been gone to California for the past 2.5 weeks. It's quiet here without him, that's for sure. We've talked to him twice since he's been gone- once when I told his dad it was time for him to call and once when he wanted to know if his Lego magazine had come yet and could we please send it. I guess we're setting the "you never call your poor mother" precedent early on...

I feel like I've been saying it forever, but A is thisclose to going back to work. All the paperwork was submitted to the Aeromedical office who reviewed it and then sent it on to the FAA for approval. He's passed his first class medical exam. Now we are just waiting to get some kind of medical ID number to identify his case so we can send in the results of the exam and actually have the two sets of paperwork meet each other on the right person's desk. Without the ID number, paperwork would go to one desk, the exam to another and it would take some kind of monumental episode of critical thinking uncommon in government bureaucracy to link the two files. Or so we've heard. But we do get weekly updates on the case status from the Aeromedical office, which is nice.

I'm torn between wanting this to just be over already so we can get back to life and not wanting A to go back to work because I'm so used to him being around all the time. He alternately delights and irritates me, which makes it hard to settle into what I want. But then again, lately we've been together 24/7, which is hard on any relationship.

Yesterday we watched a Michael Moore film, Capitalism: A Love Story. Surprisingly, it touched a bit on pilot salaries and had interviews with a few regional pilots. Usually I'm able to keep up on when things like that are mentioned in the media but this was unexpected. I'm glad to see it was put out there, again, because every bit of exposure helps make the case. I can't say that I agree with ALL of what Michael Moore stands for- if you take a loan against your house and default on said loan, my sympathy for you is minimal, even if the house has been in your family for four generations because you signed on for the risk ...- but I am with him on the corporate greed and government cronyism issues.

The couch and a nice cold piece of watermelon are beckoning.

The Call

2010-06-23T10:32:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, A got to make an important call to my father. It went something like this:

Dad: Hello?
A: Hey Dad, guess what!
Dad: What's that?
A: It's a good thing Someday and I are already married. Otherwise you'd have to get out your shotgun because I done knocked up your daughter.

After three long years, it finally happened. I'm due around New Years :)

What's a shotgun wedding?

Irritable

2010-05-26T12:58:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to blog for several weeks, but I've been bogged down with school and just feeling irritable with humanity in general.

Way back in October I brought up the idea of an info sheet for spouses about what to do in the event of an airline emergency. The idea was well received by the union committee. I gathered questions from other wives, offered my assistance in compiling a document and waited patiently. I FINALLY heard something back and got to see the short document that they developed. What I saw was still in the rough stages, showing edits, but was a good start. It said to check the website for more detailed information, but, of course, I couldn't find anything posted. And although I am happy to have contributed to this project for the good of all pilot spouses, I will still be annoyed if they fail to give me credit for the idea and questions. Especially if the committee gets some kind of overall union recognition for the project.

We went to Wild Adventures theme park last weekend. It was hot as blazes there but we had a good time. Thank goodness A can handle G-forces well, because I couldn't stomach most of the rides that Kidzilla wanted to go on. Boy does that make me feel old. The incredible mass of south Georgia humanity walking around gave us no end to our conversations. I've never seen so many overweight people crammed, sausage like, into unflattering clothing or barely covered in string bikinis. The girls from the Baptist church who were have a teen day at the park had obviously not attended the Sunday School session on modesty. There were also several "Pretty Fly For a White Guy" punks there mouthing off.

I'm managing three classes during the super intense summer semester. I've become accustomed to teachers using PowerPoint presentations and putting the slides online ahead of time. This semester, none of my teachers use them and I'm actually feeling not right about that. It didn't take me long to get dependent on them and forget how to take notes for myself. Even worse is the sheer number of people who spend their time in class texting or on facebook. This is the first semester I have really seen people do this; before I thought it was ridiculous that teachers even had to put NOT to do it in the syllabus. These people are blatant about it! I hear that undergrad classes are even worse about it. Another reason not to go into academia.

After an unseasonably cold winter, we are having an unseasonably hot spring. It's already well into the 90's here. A feels compelled to give me hourly temperature updates, when really the rating of "damn hot out" would be fine. Here's hoping we have a seasonable summer because otherwise I am going to be one miserable girl.

The drama of the student mama

2010-05-03T12:00:00.003-04:00

Spring term is finished and I am in my one glorious week off before summer session starts. It was a hectic end to the semester, with a big paper due and then other assignments due right after that. And most of my time was sucked up trying to get all the hours finished up for my internship. I finished up the semester with 433 internship hours and A's in both of my classes. Out of the available 100 points in each class, I missed a total combined 6 points. As a trade off through, I missed all of Kidzilla's cub scout meetings and only made it to 2 out of 8 of his baseball games. Luckily A has been there for him.

The end of this semester has been bittersweet. While I am glad to be done with classes, the end of the term means that several friends are leaving soon. It seems like most of my friends from our housing area will be gone by the end of the summer. The Estonians and Hungarians left in mid April, the Moroccan/Indian couple will head out in July, the Mexican family will return home in August. We did meet a dad with a daughter Kidzilla's age at the laundry room yesterday; they just moved in, but he's got split custody so we may not see them much. Hopefully we'll get a new influx of kids in the fall. I also have to say goodbye to friends I've made in classes that are graduating or are taking another path for the rest of our time in school.

I've got 8 weeks of summer school coming up, which means that all my classes are going to be at double the speed of normal. I have night classes 4 times a week which means I will continue to miss most of Kidzilla's activities. A will be providing childcare and hopefully will be home and not be called to training in the middle of my semester. At this point, we have no back up plan.

Somehow we missed that window of spring where it was just the right temp. The house went from too cold all the time to AC can't possibly keep up. Coming home feels like walking into a sauna. I guess that's what you get when all your windows are on one side of your apt and ventilation requires highly complicated geometric calculations to determine optimal fan placement for airflow. Sleeping at night is impossible without the fan blowing directly on us.

We are still working on collecting paperwork to submit to the FAA and getting through all those hoops. It's not nearly the trouble we had getting everything figured out at the beginning, which is nice. I've purposely stayed out of the loop of the Cal-United merger (UniCal?) although Dad and A have talked about it. It seems exciting for them because it's bringing together the two different companies they are associated with. I hope that soon I can get back to the original intent of this blog- to talk about how airline life effects daily family life instead of just rambling about myself all the time.

Things are going well for us too and there are some real bright spots in our future.

The road not traveled

2010-04-16T17:16:00.002-04:00

When I was on the dating circuit, I had this amazing ability to attract men named Jeff. I never knew their names when first approached, but I met three of them within a short time frame. I was still in the "getting to know you" phase when I met A. In order to keep them straight for my friends, I took to referring to them by the name of the city they lived in instead of by name. I thought it was a great plan and my friends appreciated it. Thanks to the miracle of Facebook, I can keep in touch with them and be reminded of the road I didn't travel.

San Jose got a sweet job with Microsoft and moved to Washington. He makes big bucks doing some kind of management thing with the Xbox. It looks like just recently he met the right girl.

Galt moved to Missouri, got married, had a daughter, got divorced and now makes big bucks doing some kind of computer stuff for Walmart.

Tracy stayed in... Tracy and got married not to long ago. He was already making big bucks at his car repair shop.

Instead of sticking it out with any of these nice gentlemen, I hedged my bets with A. And instead of living a life of ease and having a husband home every night, I've got the pilot who makes little bucks and is gone 4-5 days at a time.

There was a reason I bypassed them all and chose the glamorous life I now lead. I can't imagine having taken the journey of the past few years with anyone else.

The Easter see-saw

2010-04-03T16:15:00.002-04:00

Easter has both positive and negative associations that come up every year.

Eight years ago on Easter Sunday, I was in labor with Kidzilla. Although I was very excited, it was a terrible day to be in labor because there was nothing to do. Every thing was closed, I couldn't even buy a sandwich, and all I wanted was to be out moving around. I made it through dinner at my parent's house, during most of which they didn't believe that I was actually in labor (Kidzilla was a slow mover). I have a vivid memory of standing in line at the local Walgreens drugstore, very late at night, picking up something I desperately needed at the time to make it through labor. I was huffing and puffing at that point and leaning on my then-spouse for support while waiting in line while the woman ahead of us debated which brand of cigarettes that came in a green package it was that her boyfriend wanted her to purchase and then while she paid by check that, of course, had to be called in for verification. It was excruciating not just because I was in labor, but because the entire process was taking forever and there was a line of people building behind me. Kidzilla ended up being born at 2pm the next afternoon after a total of 34 hours of labor.

Three years ago was a big one. It was the long awaited day that A was finally due to leave for his airline training. We were so excited but didn't really know what to expect. Would he be able to come home at all during the expected six week training? Would I be able to survive on my one without having to resort to feeding Kidzilla peanut butter and jelly sandwiches nightly and running out of gas because I refuse to fill the tank myself? My most vivid memory of this event was being so excited and proud to take A to the airport and then promptly bursting into tears when he left us to make his way through the security line. I silently cried while Kidzilla tried to comfort me in his then five year old way. We stayed until we say A walking down the long hallway to his boarding gate. He was able to come home every weekend during training and by our third goodbye I was no longer in tears.

That same day was a double whammy because I had unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant hours before we took A to the airport. Although we wanted another child, we didn't at that moment. There were so many other things on our plates at the time. The pregnancy didn't make it and we were both saddened and relieved to find that out. A was not available to be much help to me as he was immersed in intense airline training. There was very little time to digest any news or feelings due to his schedule, but we both limped through it.

Now this time of year always hits me a little harder because ever since that Easter three years ago, we have been unable to get pregnant again, despite our best attempts. There's always a bit of sadness mixed in with the joyous feelings from Kidzilla's birthday. Both of my pregnancies held Easter as a special day and I always hope that once again Easter will work it's magic. We've seen doctors, had tests, tried medicines and all the rest, yet despite nothing by optimistic results, each Easter our arms are empty.

This year I am trying to focus on the spirit of rebirth by rejoicing in the good news that A is going back to work soon and that both doctors have told us that there is nothing but a minute chance that A's cancer will come back. While he's focusing on getting back in shape and relearning everything aviation related, I'm focusing on the new roles our family members will take on once he is back flying. This season brings new life to us all.

Sometimes what sounds good in theory...

2010-03-24T13:58:00.002-04:00

I’m all for passenger’s rights. Really I am. I think it would really suck to be stuck on the taxiway for 3 hours. Or 5 hours. Or 8 hours. I’m glad I’ve never been there. Passengers should be afforded opportunities for food, water, and working restrooms if they are going to be kept on a plane that long. It would be great if airlines could keep some emergency rations on board for such an occasion. But then again, the weight would probably mean one less person (probably an employee flying standby) on the plane. It would be great if parked planes could have the lav. truck come and keep them empty during long sits, but airport operations doesn’t seem to think of that.

I’m not a fan of the whole return to the gate thing. For one, only one plane at a time can use a gate. If the weather cleared, how would staff manage to get all those flights reloaded during a short break in the weather, or without effecting all of the flights that would currently be using the gates? I foresee chaos. Because it takes people a LONG damn time to get themselves on a plane. Walking down the jetway seems to make people move slower and they just can’t hurry themselves up, even when they know there are 100 other people waiting on them to stow their over sized carry on and sit down already. And heaven forbid they think ahead and already have the things they will need for the flight already out and accessible. Returning to the gates would be nice, but I can see why airline workers are against it. Not to mention the logistics of getting a plane OUT of line for take-off to return to the gate. It’s not a freeway with convenient off-ramps.

I read a CNN article about inclusions in the FAA reauthorization bill regarding passenger rights. “Embedded in the bill is a "Passengers Bill of Rights," whose centerpiece is a rule requiring delayed commercial planes to return to the gate after three hours on the taxiway. Alternatively, the rule allows the airline to send buses to take passengers off the plane so the aircraft doesn't lose its place in line to take off.”

Hmmm, ok, so the airlines have the option of maintaining a fleet of busses at each airport to drive up to planes in line for take off to take off the passengers. And again chaos trying to get the passengers reloaded and BACK to the planes once take-offs resume. How are these busses going to navigate the taxiways around what could easily be 50 or more airplanes? Not all planes have wings that are high enough for busses to pass under. Are people going to jump down from the doorways of the planes (there is a reason we have jetbridges!) or are they going to use the emergency slides? I asked A about it and there is probably going to be an overwhelming smell of exhaust in the air as well, from all the idle planes. It won’t be pleasant out there. I guess the bus idea sounded like a good compromise in theory…

I’m partial to some of the half-witted comments attached to the article as well, in particular the one that says “A family was thrown off a stranded plane when the husband asked for water for his pregnant wife.”. Really? Thrown OFF the plane for that? And there’s NOTHING more to the story then a man politely asking for water and the mean, nasty crew got so uptight they threw the family off the plane? Really? That seems a little harsh, I’m just sayin…

A few months ago, I read Ralph Nader’s Book Collision Course. It was dated, definetly, but an interesting look at some things about the industry that I didn’t know- the mandate of the FAA and its dual interests, the NTSB and its recommendations, the FAA central flow management system to name a few. The book definetly needs revisions, especially with regards to the training and management of regional airlines but it’s worth a peruse if you can find the book. Definetly some things in there that must have sounded good in theory.

Paying the piper

2010-03-02T18:37:00.002-05:00

Because of A's accident prone-ness (longtime readers will recall the broken elbow incident prior to the cancer...)and due to our own experience benefiting from insurance payouts, we are firm believers in the need for insurance coverage. Sadly, by the time everything is deducted out, it leaves us woefully short on cash. But we'd be even shorter if we were caught uncovered, so we suck it up. Insurance and other deductions we shell out for:

health insurance
short term disability insurance
long term disability insurance
loss of license insurance
life insurance
long term care insurance
union dues (well not until A completes the final two weeks of his apprentice period)
401(k) deductions

Today A saw the oncologist and got the real, official "yes, you can go back to work now" nod. Because I wasn't able to go and I don't completely trust A to relay correct information to me (can you blame me?), I sent him with a list of questions to ask. We were very pleased to find out that he may not need to undergo the same type of testing he has been having, which requires 2 months off of work due to his meds, but there may be an alternative method of testing. If we can get the insurance to cover it. His doctor still wants to see him yearly, more just to keep up than anything, and also promised to put in a good word for me with the hospital social work dept. when it came time for my internship and job search.

Things seem good.

99% Is Good Enough For Me- version 2

2010-02-20T13:57:00.003-05:00

A got a call from his dr. the other day. The scans all looked great, as dark and blank as a cloudy night- which is good, any appearing stars would have been cancer regrowth. A still has to have an appt so the dr. can poke him in the neck and make it official, but really, if there's no internal regrowth, it's not likely there will be anything to feel. So we are going with the thought that he'll be returning to work in the near future.

Which leaves me with some admittedly mixed feelings. And A, who as a pilot was born without a panic gene, might, just a little bit, be feeling somewhat nervous about going through training again. Which guarantees to be more difficult to get through when you come in cold vs. having spent the past year or more flying nearly daily. He was, however, born with an overdeveloped confidence gene, as were most pilots.

I really want to say thank you to all of the people who prayed for us, thought of us and pulled for us during this last round of testing. It really meant a lot to me to see that people I don't even know are pulling for us. As for the twenty years thing, I got it in my head that since A has NO thyroid, and therefore wasn't putting out any thyroid hormone of his own that he could only do synthetic for a certain time. But that it would be different for people who put out some of their own hormone.

Things are going well for us otherwise and we are awaiting the return of spring weather.

Flying Cheap on Frontline

2010-02-09T12:23:00.003-05:00

On TV tonight, PBS's Frontline news program takes on the Regionals in the program Flying Cheap

Not sure I agree with everything in the preview, but it should be interesting.

Restarting our engines

2010-02-05T16:33:00.002-05:00

We don't meet with the oncologist for a few more weeks because he's in Haiti right now. Nothing is for sure until then of course. Today the oncology nurse called and said A could go back on his medication because there's "no treatment needed".

When I got the news (at work), five minutes of good cheer erupted. Then I remembered that those fateful words probably mean I am once again going to have to share my husband with crew scheduling and five minutes of bad mood presided. We've still got several months ahead of us before that happens though.

For today, we're enjoying a new view of the horizon.

Patience

2010-02-03T06:23:00.002-05:00

You know those times when you completely over-analyze someone's every move trying to figure out if any nuance reflects the status of your fate? Today I'm doing that by phone vicariously through A. I'm sure it's annoying, but I can't help it.

When you realize the universe just taught you a lesson

2010-02-01T16:49:00.002-05:00

AKA- Why Someday Must Attend All Doctor Appointments

Two years ago, my boss wouldn't let me off work for the day that A met with his doctor to receive his diagnosis. That meant he had to go alone. To confirm his suspicion that he had cancer. (Said boss is now undergoing treatment for her own cancer, so perhaps there is some validity in karma...) A came home from that appointment with two major pieces of information- One, he had cancer and two, he would die within twenty years. He heard that a person could only live for a maximum of twenty years on synthetic thyroid hormone. Our lives have been colored by this news ever since.

Now twenty years may seem like a long time, and it is, until we remember that if we had a child now, A might not be there to see Graduation Day. And we'd never get to partake in that retired person's RV around the country trip so many people take. And A's grandchildren would likely never know him. It's kind of depressing, like a really long expiration period. We deal with this news by alternating between pretending it isn't going to happen and by making tentative plans to deal with it. No one likes the thought of knowing their husband is going to die an early death, but to avoid it altogether is also unreasonable. So we try.

Last week I was able to attend A's appointment with his endocrinologist, the one who monitors his thyroid condition. It was the first time I had been. We found out that there had been some issues with information transfer between the oncologist and the endocrinologist, we discussed different types of medication, and we found out that the premise of death in twenty years we had been operating under FOR TWO YEARS was false.

That's right, FALSE. The doctor clarified that one can live indefinitely solely on synthetic thyroid medicine. Which we were, of course, happy to find out. I have to give A a break on this one- I'm pretty sure that after the doctor confirmed that he had cancer his listening skills went out the window and everything she said after that was a blur. I'm sure the same would have happened to me. Well, not really, but I'm trying to be sympathetic.

But to have what felt like a giant countdown to the end of A's life lifted was just an amazing feeling. Expecting to lose him really helped us not take each other for granted and forced us to talk about and make plans for the future. That lesson is one that we can take from this experience, hopefully it's the one we were intended to learn. Because learning not to let my husband attend medical appointments on his own just doesn't seem meaningful enough.

Having it all?

2010-01-25T12:37:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time, I had it all. A dual income family with enough money to meet our needs. (Boring, but) stable jobs. A cute little fixer-upper with a (barely)affordable mortgage. A handsome little boy. A good circle of friends. Family nearby.

Then we moved to Florida. Then intent was to move back to our happy little life in 9 months. 4 years later, here we are. Living in our 3rd (and smallest ever) apartment. One of us on indefinite disability and one of us happily unemployed but racking up debt. A handsome little boy. A circle of friends three hours away. Family days away.

The one thing I know that is solid however, is our relationship. I told this to A just the other day. Even though there are a lot of things in our life that are less than ideal right now and I feel like we should be past all this school and financial up and down business at our ages, at least there isn't that "what if" about our relationship too. No going to counseling to "hold it together" or trying x,y,z to "make it work". As A rephrased what I was saying to him (he's managed to learn to be an active listener at least...) "so even though everything else is crap right now, at least your crap isn't going anywhere". Not the most eloquent, but I guess you could put it that way.

Thanks honey. Even if we can't provide each other with much right now, we have a stable base to work from and for that I am thankful.

Happy birthday to me.

Fears

2010-01-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

A stopped taking his meds again in preparation for another round of cancer testing. Obviously we didn't fare too well last year, since he's still on leave (read all about it in march/april 09 archives and the initial experience is in the feb 08 archives). Without his medications, he gets slow and lethargic, his metabolism slows down, he loses his coordination and short term memory and I start having to worry about things like sending him to the grocery store unattended and him tripping while walking up our stairs. Last year he was off his medicine a little too long and it caused a very unpleasant experience for the two of us that we are hoping to avoid repeating.

Fingers crossed that the mild spots they found last year were destroyed and he is finally cancer free. I don't know if we can go another round of treatment and another year off. Tensions are high during treatment and there is a lot of unspoken anxiety around the house. Last year A was miserable during treatment and said he didn't want to go through it again. And I vaguely recall the doctor saying something about stepping up to chemo if it wasn't gone this time around.

For the rest of my life, I will have to live with the nagging question of "has it come back?" For the rest of my life. EVERY DAY. I will wonder "is that a lump on his neck?", "is that normal forgetfulness or is his meds dosage wrong?", "how long until we go to the doctor and the bomb is dropped on us again?" It will never go away.

If you are the praying type, think of us.

When help isn't there

2010-01-07T07:02:00.003-05:00

A friend called last night. A friend of hers and a training buddy of her husband was killed in a plane crash on Tuesday. It was a very small company and the widow is having a difficult time with the company. The type of plane may not have had data recorders so the cause of the crash may never be able to be determined. There are conflicting reports about whether the body of the pilot has been retrieved from the crash site. I can't imagine the grief and turmoil this new widow is going through. I wish I had some resources to direct her to, but I had very little information for her. Seeing this play out just underscores the need, to me, for comprehensive information from companies about what to do in the event of an accident and what they will do for the family. I wish I could make the process of getting this in place, for our airline at least, go faster so no one else has to go through this.

A fresh start

2010-01-01T21:28:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow we head home from our road trip. It's been a great trip. I met some new people and caught up with some old. We discovered that Kidzilla is an awesome roadtripper; able to read books in the backseat during the drive without getting ill and keeping the "are we there yet" to a minimum. A and I managed not to seriously harm each other and actually got along pretty well. We survived the blizzard of the century in Oklahoma City. The last bit is the 11 hour drive from Houston to Tallahassee. I've got 14 states whose plates I have yet to see on the road, hopefully I can cross a few more off the list tomorrow.

Getting the message out

2009-12-14T11:15:00.018-05:00

A- A's! So far I've got confirmed A's in three of my four classes. I'm still waiting (and waiting and waiting) for a final paper to be graded in my fourth class, but I've been holding steady at an A- the entire term. The two weeks prior to Thanksgiving were crazy with midterms, quizzes and papers. Then after the four day break we hit the final crunch with quizzes, papers and finals. But this round I got to do while sick. I'm glad to be done and having a break. Now I can do all those things that piled up because I didn't have time to do them during the term.

C- CIRP- I compiled a list of questions for the critical incident committee and passed that on to them. They are working on gathering answers and then we'll begin the formatting. I'm hoping to meet up with some committee members while I am in Houston. Also, I was talking to my professor who runs the disaster relief specialist program and got recruited to do a presentation on CIRP and airline response to air disasters next term. Not so much looking forward to the extra work that will require, but I'm flattered nonetheless.

A- Awesome! For those of you who think your pilot already has everything aviation related they could possibly want, may I present to you the ultimate stocking stuffer- Airplane paperclips! I totally want some! (Along with the Happytape I've been craving)

R-Roadtrip! The past few years, since we've been in Florida, we've been celebrating Christmas all alone. Although we've been fortunate to have A with us every year, it just isn't the same without family. So I made an executive decision that since I have a nice long winter break, we are road-tripping out to spend some time with some relatives. It will also be a little "Someday's Heritage Trip" as we'll be passing through the tiny (i.e. barely on Google maps) towns in Arkansas where my grandparents were born and lived. Our 2,600 mile route will be: Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas (stops in Wynne, Vandale, Cherry Valley), Oklahoma (stops in Oklahoma City, Tulsa), Texas (stops in Dallas, Houston), Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida. As kids, A and I did major road trips with our parents frequently, without the benefits of video games or DVD's and Kidzilla will be following the same standards.

S-Socializing! We will be making several stops to see friends and acquaintances along the way. Along with the relatives, I've got a sorority sister, a pilot friend of A's that I originally met on Jetcareers, two blogger Jetgirl friends, and some other pilot friends of A's if they are in town. I'm looking forward to meeting up with people I haven't seen in ages or have never met in person.

Romantic recaps

2009-12-04T13:48:00.002-05:00

Today is our anniversary.

Five years ago, I snuck up behind A while he was waiting for me at the BART (public transit train) station for our first date. We headed off to a feisty session of ice skating that included us egging each other on in daring stunts, my trying to give him every opportunity to hold my hand (which he didn't use), him trying to find us someplace to eat b/c he forgot to plan ahead (we had to settle for Subway b/c it was the only thing open, me throwing out big words like equidistant and ostentatious and him countering with circumnavigation. We walked around a bit after skating, made our way home and said an awkward good-bye at the BART station. I left wondering why he never made a move a touch me. He left hoping I thought he was a gentleman.

Four years ago, we relived that first date and again took BART into the city for a trip to the outdoor rink. We reminisced, we egged each other on, we held hands. We finished up with dinner on the outdoor terrace at The Cheesecake Factory on the seventh floor of Macy's in downtown San Francisco. We had a great view of the city Christmas Tree in Union Square, just below us. I was expecting him to propose that day-as a testament to his acceptance of my quirks, he knew I wanted a single anniversary to celebrate and indulged me. He kept excusing himself during dinner so I knew something was up. I was suprised when we concluded dinner with no ring. We headed down to Union Square and it was there, next to the Christmas Tree, that he proposed. It was no big surprise, I had already committed to moving to FL with him and told him there had better be a ring on my finger first, but still, it was romantic and memorable. Everything a girl could want.

Three years ago, after much planning (not really) we got married in Florida. On a Monday, to indulge me in my date obsession again. It's not easy to have a reception on a Monday. Our wedding was wonderful, turned out better than I had even hoped for and was attended by our closest friends. A cousin of mine anonymously paid half of our catering bill; I didn't find out who it was until a year later.

Looking back on the past three years, we have had a lot of ups and downs and been through quite a few changes but we are still holding strong. Five years ago, as a newly single mom, I thought I'd be single for five years before I met someone I would want to marry again. I fought against committal with A because I met him so early on, but he stuck with me and here we are. Today we are both sick with colds so we'll be having a small celebration of take out food and netflix.

Last year's anniversary post

Our first anniversary post

A romantic recap of our wedding post

More about laptops on planes...

2009-11-19T16:02:00.001-05:00

A brought this to my attention.

Book report

2009-11-13T10:16:00.002-05:00

I'm currently reading "Pilots Under Stress" by S.J. Sloan and C.L. Cooper. It's a very dry tome about an extensive study of pilot stress they did in the mid-eighties of 440+ British pilots. They are also authors of the pilot wives study I wrote about; which was actually an extension of the original study. Although I would love to see a repeat of this study done today, and in the US, I don't have the statistical abilities to do all of the analyzing of the data at this point.

So far my favorite quote is: "My main stressors occur on the ground; getting the damn thing into the air... once I'm in the air and totally in control of what's going on, I find that there is very little stress." This was said in relation to stresses from the management of the airline. I think that with all of the paperwork and procedures involved in flying these days, this quote probably holds true for a lot of pilots still.

When you least expect it...

2009-11-10T20:07:00.003-05:00

I'm officially working with our CIRP committee to develop a resource for spouses to give them information about what to expect in the event of an emergency. I'm excited to actually be *DOING* something finally. Hopefully this will be the start of a long and fruitful relationship where I tell the airline how to do things better. Or at least give my opinion.

I have been swamped by papers recently. One was due Monday, one today, one next Tuesday and the final one next Thursday. After that, I'll be golden. Once I'm done with class projects I can begin researching a divorce rating scale and get busy with my other project. School is so much more interesting when you can research things you are interested in...

Last year I wrote about some great moments in parenting I've had. Last week I had another brush with fame. Kidzilla has to catch the school bus at 6:50am. Yawn. I am usually up late ummm... studying... so I usually roll out of bed, put on slippers and a sweatshirt over my pajamas and drive him over to the stop along with A. It's never been an issue before. Until the bus didn't show up. And I had to interact with the other (appropriately attired) parents as we tried to figure out with the school where the bus was. We ended up having to drive Kidzilla to school. I made A go in to the office and sign Kidzilla in. Because he was wearing flip flops with his pajamas. Now we look like "those" parents to the school admin. Note to self: try to remember to put on something half way respectable when taking the kid to the bus. Or stay home and let A do it.

Also- if you read my blog via a reader, I put up a survey that you won't see. If you have the time, pop over to the blog page and leave your input. Thanks!

Training pays off

2009-10-28T15:38:00.005-04:00

Last Sunday we ran our first 5k. It was a great experience for both Kidzilla and me. Kidzilla was the youngest runner in the race and came in first in his age group. He beat me by about 25 seconds, with a time of 36:50.

Prepping for the race.

Approaching mile 3

At the finish line

Unpacking my overhead compartment

2009-10-26T13:07:00.004-04:00

I haven't blogged much lately, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about blogging and aviation in general. Someone has to post non-technical aviation stuff of interest to wive don't they?

The bill making it's way through Congress to require all airline pilots to have an ATP rating and 1500 hours, for instance. With all of the aviation blogs I follow (about 12 pilots and 28 wives- I use google reader, I don't actually have to check all these every day...), only one mentioned the bill and that was only a one line reference. It's kind of a knee jerk reaction to the very publicized accidents this past year. This bill is going to have a major impact on upcoming new pilots and the pilot mills that crank them out. As well as the costs to the airlines of having to get their guys trained. It has the potential to effect A if he is not able to return to work for another year. What happens if he doesn't meet the hours or training requirement in time because he's been disabled? Does he lose his job because the airlines have to have everyone trained by a certain date? It remains to be seen if the bill will pass.

There were two WTF incidents this week. The well publicized missing the airport by 150 miles incident (funny post here re that one) and also a DAL plane that landed on the taxiway instead of the runway in ATL. Seriously? I could see this happening at a new outstation, but at the hub? The airport they probably fly in and out of most frequently? How do you explain that one? Way to enhance the dependable, professional, well-trained image.

On a positive note, I've been in contact with the committee chair of our company Critical Incident Response Program (henceforth known as CIRP). I asked two questions that have been pestering me for a while and got responses to both.

My first question was whether there was a role for wives to volunteer with any of the committees within the pilot group. I have an interest in the CIRP group and also having wrangled my way though the long term disability issues, the LTD committee. I was told that wives were welcome to attend the CIRP training (that conveniently was held the week prior to my asking about it, damn) and that currently there was one spouse certified. Hopefully I'll be able to join that committee in the future.

My second question has been burning since A's own technical malfunction a few years ago. What gets communicated to a spouse if there has been a major incident? How does she find out? What happens next? I was told that the airline notifies the wife and then the CIRP committee steps in. They have a checklist of things to be done in the week following an incident. There is no manual or anything though. I had asked the gentleman if the CIRP committee had ever considered putting out a flyer or electronic resource for wives about what would happen in the event of an accident. I even volunteered to help make it. My request was based not only on my own experience but also on the fact that when I asked everyone I knew what was supposed to happen, not a single person knew beyond a vague "well I guess the company would notify me...". Wouldn't all wives feel a touch more relaxed knowing what to expect in the event of an emergency? And hasn't research shown that the happier a wife is leads to less stress a pilot has which leads to being more able to concentrate on flying (hint, the answer is yes, I have the research to prove it...). And really? How hard is it to make a flyer? I even told him (which may not have been well received since I have yet to hear back from him) that the next time he was in the crewroom he should take an informal pool of how many pilots knew who would notify their wives and what would happen during a critical incident and how many of their spouses also knew that info. I'm betting the percentage is low. Do you know what would happen in the event of an accident? Does your spouse/partner? We'll see where this all leads.

I'm also working up an email to ALPA (the largest pilot union) to request that they do an article on pilots, depression, and the FAA access to medical and mental health records. Based on some of the responses to my post about pilots and depression, there needs to be some clarification around those issues. Hopefully I'll get around to that this week. It's on my endless to do list...

For those of you who are academically inclined, I found two books about pilots that might be interesting. Both have small bits of info about wives and families as well. Anxiety At 35,000 Feet by Robert Bor is about clinical aerospace psychology and the mental health of pilots. Pilots Under Stress by Stephan Sloan and CL Cooper is a comprehensive write up of an extensive survey done of British pilots in the mid eighties. The pilot wives article I wrote about was actually piece of this study. It covers spouses and family lives a bit more in depth. I'm working on reading both of these in my "free time".

I think that's all the aviation news I've stored up to comment about.

Research updates

2009-10-14T08:12:00.002-04:00

Research updates- I spoke with my research professor yesterday and he gave me the green light to go ahead and do a research project on my own. I don't have to do it under the auspices of a class. My next step is to define exactly WHAT to measure and how to measure it. I've already got the who, how, what parts down. So I'll be working on that side project when I have time. I realized that if I didn't take advantage of being at a university and doing some research I would kick myself later when I didn't have the resources. Given the opportunity, what would you want to study or know about pilot families?

After an exhaustive search, here are the few journal articles I could find about pilot-family interactions:

Sources of Stress on the Wives of Commercial Airline Pilots- 1985, Aviation, Space and Environmental Medicine

The Spousal Factor in Pilot Stress- 1989, Aviation, Space and Environmental Medicine

Aircrew Wives and Intermittent Husband Syndrome- 1994, Aviation, Space and Environmental Medicine

Psycho-social Family Factors and Marital Gratification of Pilots- 2001, Chinese Mental Health Journal

And that's it. Four articles. I'm trying to find info about how families deal with the constant, short term separations, but there isn't much on that out there either.

On another note, I was referred to a new blog- http://www.prozacpilot.com, written by a charter pilot who lost his medical due to depression. He got off to a good start by contacting AOPA (Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association) about new laws regarding depression medications, but hasn't gone any further than that.

Now, back to studying for the midterms I have coming up on Thursday, Monday and Tuesday. Followed by Kidzilla and I training for a 5k run coming up at the end of the month. Hopefully the heat index will drop by then, otherwise I'll have to think twice about posting pictures of me at the end of the race.

Searching...searching...searching

2009-10-08T19:52:00.003-04:00

I've finally had a free moment to do a bit of research of my own. Or really, I finally MADE the time to do it. I've been using my student access to our vast computing and research databases (or so they proclaim on our school website) to search out research done on aviation families. And while I have found such interesting tidbits as "Smoking Behavior Among Female Airline Cabin Crew From 10 Asian Countries", it seems as though there have been exactly three studies written that include any reference to wives. The first was the Sources of Stress on the Wives of Commercial Air Line Pilots (from 1985!)that I posted about earlier. I found one about Aircrew Wives (publish date 1994) that looks marginally applicable and one titled The Spousal Factor in Pilot Stress (publish date 1989). Tomorrow I'll head over to the library to get copies. I guess no one has cared enough to study pilot families in the last 10 years.

I'm not yet done with my search, but so far I've run 14 different word combinations (all variations of airline/aviation/pilot and family/spouse/wife/wives/separation/stress/divorce) in 5 different databases (Social Work, Sociology, Psychology, Family Studies and Health/Medical). I've still got another few word combination to run but at this point I think it's highly unlikely that anything new will pop up.

Next up is bring in the big guns- asking my professor for some help in the search.

Oh yeah, and I missed it. Sept. 1st was my 3 year blogiversary.

Understanding

2009-10-01T14:02:00.003-04:00

A has been gone for the previous two weekends, is gone thurs-sun this weekend and will be gone again next weekend. I feel like we are back to living an aviation dominated life. But at least his absences are mostly his choice and aren't company dictated.

I think that spending so long at home with us helped cement with in how much he misses when he is gone. The project he is working on now, he says he's only doing in order to have something left behind to take care of us when he's gone (a little obsessed with the 20 year mortality thing already) and that he wouldn't be away from us so much if he didn't feel he needed to do that. It's a sweet sentiment; I think he needs some time away from us anyway.

In class the other day, we were shown a training video about cognitive-behavioral therapy in a marriage counseling situation (it doesn't matter if you didn't get that, it's not pertinent). It was a couple who were in for marriage counseling. The woman worked part time and the man was a traveling pharmaceutical rep. It was strange because every problem and episode that they showed in the video seemed like something we had been through in our relationship- the "you're never there", "you never do stuff", "when is my free time", it was all in there. All of the young 20somethings in my class thought the woman was a nag and was controlling. But I stood up for her. I said "until you have a traveling husband, you have no idea what it's like". When he's gone, you literally have to handle everything and then *poof* suddenly he's there again and you aren't alone and then *poof* again and he's gone. He only has limited time at home and a long list of things you need him to accomplish. And that has to be combined with some free time for each of you and you as a couple. No wonder she nags him to get stuff done, she's got a lot riding on his accomplishing his tasks. I think even the instructor was surprised at my conviction. Even though the video had nothing to do with traveling spouses, they all got a good lesson. And they'll probably choose never to marry one now.

When left to my own devices

2009-09-18T17:42:00.004-04:00

It's Friday and A is gone for the weekend. I think he took any motivation I had with him. I had big plans of cleaning and studying before I picked Kidzilla up from school. Then we were going to head to the mall, pick up some dinner at the BBQ at the end of the street (just so I can get a big "I told you so" when I picked up some unknown bacteria sickness from eating food cooked in a trailer from A) and watching a movie. A left, I made it as far as cleaning and then... nothing. Our place is less than 500 sq. feet, it doesn't take a lot to clean it. I read fiction instead of the 2 two chapters of textbook I was supposed to read. I ate chocolate bars instead of fruit. I lounged it up. And now Kidzilla has been playing on his DS for like 2 hours straight while I read some more and now, blog. I guess life really does fall apart without our beloved PIC.

Last Saturday I sucked it up and took the boys to a football game. In the pouring rain. And just to prove how hard core I am, I sat there, in the rain, wearing trash bags as a poncho and lap cover, not complaining, the whole time. And it wasn't that bad. We ended up winning by a hair in the final 2 minutes of the game. A few bad photos of me, just to prove we were there. First is me and frightened Kidzilla with our mascot Chief Oceola. Second is me and A during a break in the rain (note the non-flying pilot facial hair growth).
This week we had the ordeal of changing Kidzilla due to our massive differences in opinion with the school administration. Sorry if I believe that parents should have access to the teachers, kids should have recess AT LEAST once a day and there is more to education that test scores. So we enrolled him in a local charter school. And promptly had to drop $100 on uniforms. He starts Monday and gets to ride a school bus. Fingers crossed that this will work.

Off to bribe Kidzilla into not reporting my laziness with some new gizmo from Target. At least it will get me out of the house.

Coming Along

2009-09-07T21:08:00.004-04:00

I'm two weeks into school.

Boy have things changed since I was last in school (in 2000). Every single syllabus had a comment in it about please turn off your cell phone in class. I thought I was cool to have a pager that was alpha-numeric back in 2000. Teachers request that one use their laptop only for notetaking and not for surfing the web or instant messaging during class (or looking at porn...). I thought I was hot stuff to actually have an email account in 1995 when I started at OSU. Every teacher does powerpoint presentations and you can download them ahead of time and take notes directly on them. I think I had one teacher who used powerpoint, and it had a plain black background. Everyone else used the overhead machine. We have this all encompassing website that we can log into to communicate with our classmates and teacher, get our assignments and other information from the teacher and submit our work in their "drop box". I guess group meetings and office hours are a thing of the past.

I'm making it through. I ended up dropping one class because it was just too much. Admittedly it was the class that required a 20 page individually written paper... As long as I can keep up with the reading (2-3 chapters PER class PER week, chapters averaging 50 pages each). I'd forgotten just how boring textbooks can be. I feel like I need a nice shot of espresso to stay away during each chapter. I ended up in the research class that doesn't actually require you to do a research project. Honestly, I'm kinda bummed about that.

Kidzilla is settling in to school pretty well. A is in charge of school relations. He attended orientation and does the morning and afternoon routines. A also taught Kidzilla to ride a two wheeler (yesterday) and now we hear requests to go bike riding several times a day. A needs some friends so he's out with someone not me. We're working on that.

Today we celebrated Labor Day by going for a 3 mile hike (I'm currently regretting ignoring the "use bug spray" advice). Now I'm blogging to the soundtrack of the FSU-Miami game. It's only the 2nd quarter and I'm already tired of hearing the "Tomahawk Chop" business over and over AND OVER. I promised I would suck it up and take the boys to a game, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I wish we could just go for the opening festivities and the halftime field show (I'm such a band geek). The evening before home games the spear is lit on the statue outside our stadium so we took Kidzilla and got a picture.

To throw something aviation related in this post- I'm still interested in doing a research project about divorce rates for pilots and whether they really are higher than average. And as an offshoot of my last post about pilots and depression, a study about how many pilots who go out on disability ultimately lose their license due to depression about their condition/situation instead of due to their actual disability. If I could just get someone to foot the bill...

Pilots and depression revisited

2009-08-26T09:28:00.003-04:00

In a previous post I brought up some questions about the FAA rules and pilot mental health. I personally feel that there is a lot of misinformation floating around about how nosy the FAA is about what type of counseling a person receives and what it is for and any retribution that might happen because of it. But right now I don't have the time to look further into it (I'm waiting for the opportunity to do it under the guise of a research paper and kill two birds with one stone actually...). My interest was more along the lines of getting short term counseling to help one deal with financial, parenting, or relationship stress and how even needing that can be perceived as a weakness making one unfit to fly not so much on full on diagnosed depression. It bothers me that ANY kind of counseling, by anyone, is perceived as a negative when in reality it could help one do ones job even better.

To that end, I came across a post in A's company forum that talked about pilots and depression and highlighted an Australian study regarding pilots who do fly while under care for depression. Here is the poster's summary of the study-

"Most air-safety authorities around the world ban pilots from flying while on antidepressant drugs citing safety reasons. Now the results of an Australian study suggests that taking the drugs does not increase the risk of accidents, while banning them could increase risks by encouraging depressed pilots not to seek treatment.

A team led by aviation medicine specialist James Ross, who ran the study while a consultant at Australia's Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA), scrutinised Australian pilot safety records spanning from 1993 to 2004.

Unlike most air safety authorities around the world, CASA allows Australian pilots to fly while on antidepressant drugs, under tightly controlled conditions.

For example, the pilot must have taken the drugs for at least a month before flying. This is to ensure that he or she is not suffering side-effects such as fatigue or nausea that could affect performance. Depressed pilots are also not allowed to fly if they have suicidal tendencies, pathological anger, or abnormal sleep patterns associated with the disorder.

General ban
Over the 12-year study period, 481 pilots who were prescribed antidepressants had 11 accidents due to pilot error and 22 near misses. The researchers say this was not significantly different to the five accidents and 26 near misses of the similar number of pilots who did not take antidepressants, but who were matched by age, sex, and flying experience.

The results will be presented by team member Kathy Griffiths of the Centre for Mental Health Research at the Australian National University in Canberra today at the World Psychiatric Association annual congress in Melbourne, Australia.

Most aviation safety authorities, including the US Federal Aviation Authority, and the European Joint Aviation Authority, ban pilots from flying while on antidepressants because of concerns about the effect of treatment and the underlying depression on a pilot's performance.

That might not be wise, says Ross. He points out that the Australian study suggests that using antidepressants in a carefully managed, structured environment is safe, and that rules or regulations that encourage pilots not to seek treatment, or not to declare it, could backfire.

"Antidepressants can be prescribed for years, so that means you are asking people to give up their livelihoods, or leave their depression untreated," notes Griffiths.

Reluctant reporting
The Australian study also found that only 1% of pilots admitted to taking antidepressants, compared to 4.5% of Australians in the general population.

That suggests that even under the Australian rules, which allow pilots on antidepressants to continue flying, the increased scrutiny by CASA could encourage pilots to avoid seeking medical help or to keep it secret when they do.

US pilots taking medication for psychological conditions such as depression who were involved in fatal accidents had also rarely reported either the medication or their underlying condition to the FAA, according to two recent studies (see Aviation, Space and Environmental Medicine, vol 77, p 1171, and vol 78, p 1055, for the most recent).

"Many aviation doctors have maintained that the side effects of antidepressants present far less risk to aviation safety than the problem of untreated or undeclared depression. It's encouraging to see that the Australian evidence supports this," says David Powell of the Occupational and Aviation Medicine Unit at Otago University in Wellington, New Zealand.

"Depression is common and treatable, so surely the best way to manage it in aviation is to bring it out of hiding," he says."

A comment made by the poster that reflects what I was thinking as well when I made the first posts- "I guess we would rather have depressed pilots flying, who don't want to report it, than pilots who are being treated and fully able to fly competently while on medication."

A later poster commented that pilots hiding depression do self medicate- with alcohol.

Sadly, the poster of the study did not give any citations for the study so I can't give any info about where to find this study or where/when it was published. Requests for that information further into the post did not receive a response. I feel kind of dirty posting what is said to be research without a citation, must the the honest student in me, but I felt the information was important.

Numerically speaking

2009-08-18T17:21:00.002-04:00

Signs I know I live in the hood:
1. My complex is surrounded by cyclone fence topped by razor wire.
2. There are 3 laundromats on a 1 mile stretch of street
3. I saw someone having a yard sale in the parking lot of the local corner store.
4. Several gas stations are cash only.
5. The local church van lives in a locked fence cage.

Weird things I've seen on the road in the past two weeks:
1. Dead construction worker (was hit by a car, hadn't been fully covered over by the police at the scene).
2. A guy wearing only a headband and thong riding his bike down a main thoroughfare (not pretty!)
3. A space capsule on the back of a semi heading west down the highway (headed for Houston or Huntsville we guessed).

Number of trips back to Jacksonville we've made in the 2.5 weeks since we've moved- 2. Actually A has made 3.

Amount spent on textbooks for 3 of my 5 classes- $570.45. One class has no required text, one has yet to announce.

Number of fans constantly running in our house- 3. In addition to the air-conditioner.

Number of hours I have spent apart from A since Aug 1- 35. Out of a possible 432.

Number of times I have cursed at FSU- countless.

Largest conundrum faced- Parking is available on campus by permit only. One must have a student ID to get a permit. The ID office is located on campus. Where does one park on campus to get said ID in order to get the permit required for on campus parking?

Number of students who will descend on campus like a swarm of locusts this week- Approximately 30,000. For a total student population of 40,000.

Days until I pick up Kidzilla from the airport after 8 weeks away- <1

Days until school starts- 5

Turning the tables

2009-08-09T21:20:00.002-04:00

Back in January 2006 we moved from California to Florida for A to do his flight training. Essentially I left everything and everyone I knew to move across the country to support him. To me it was a big adventure and a chance to start our lives fresh.

It was only about 2 years later that he revealed to me the huge pressure he felt to make it through training. We had moved everything specifically for him to follow his dream and if he screwed up and failed out of training he would feel like a massive failure. Even though it never occurred to me that he might not succeed (probably my blind faith was a good thing while going through training) and I never once put any pressure on him or guilted him about making us move (well, he'd probably beg to differ, but I don't remember doing it) he still felt an enormous amount of pressure.

Now the tables are turned and our family has moved so I can follow though on my goals. And even though A hasn't said one thing to me about it, I feel an enormous pressure not to f*%k this up. We moved here because of me, solely me, and if I decide I made a mistake in following this career path, I will have uprooted everyone for nothing.

I'm working on letting go and trying to release the pressure to succeed. I think (hope!) that once I actually get going in school it will all fall away. But so far, in the back of my mind, that little bit of anxiety still lingers.

Wondering

2009-08-09T21:07:00.003-04:00

My ex husband got married yesterday. I found out through whispers about two months ago and it was confirmed by my parents who were invited. And attended, as far as I know. I think I would be more weirded out by their attendance if I lived closer to the whole affair.

I am happy for my ex. I hope he will be happy as well. And I feel confident in saying that the new wife is probably a better fit for him that I ever was. I've been remarried for 2.5 years already, obviously I've let go and moved on.

The part that rubs me is that he didn't even bother to tell me. As if my parents AND/OR our child wouldn't mention at some point that they had been to the wedding. Or maybe he just expected them to break the news to me. I found out shortly before he came to pick up Kidzilla for the summer. At our breakfast pow-wow I expressly asked him if anything interesting was going on during the summer, any big plans or special events, as an opening for him to announce his plans. Nope, he said, no big plans.

I wonder why he chose not to mention the upcoming event. I guess this is my way of making it clear that I know.

Thought you had bad moving juju?

2009-08-05T23:16:00.003-04:00

Moving was a mess. Everything that could go wrong did. We got locked out, had to have the lock drilled out and then search out a replacement for the now discontinued lock and install it. We had to hook up the auto trailer and get the car on it during a rainstorm. The U Haul we were scheduled to return the equipment to was too full and sent us to another one which closed 2 minutes before we got there. They refused to take off the trailer so we could unload the truck until convinced it was in their best interest via screaming hissy fit on my part. The apartment wasn't fully prepped and had several safety issues. To their credit, university housing had every issue fixed within 24 hours. We even got a new stove out of the deal. Now we just have to figure out why the gas wasn't turned on with the rest of the utilities. We ended up unloading half the truck between 10pm and 1am (at least it was cool weather and the neighbors couldn't see exactly how much stuff we really brought) and half from 7 am to 9 am the next morning. We are so hiring movers when its time to leave here.

We now have most of the unpacking done. The cable/internet is hooked up and we got a sweet little free bonus. The a/c is cranked and makes my desk the coolest spot in the house. A and I have calmed down the nonstop bickering. And we visited Club Publix.

We heard from the housing office that the local Publix (grocery store) was written up in Playboy as the best place to meet others (presumably of the opposite sex). It is not uncommon to see overdressed young coeds there shopping for dates along with groceries. I can't wait for school to start to see this spectacle.

It's always something I guess.

On the road again

2009-08-03T07:53:00.002-04:00

It's moving day. The truck is 98.9% packed up. We got news on Thursday that they were able to unfurnish our apartment so we get to bring our own furniture. I'm praying that the office worker I spoke with got it right because I will be LIVID if we get there and there is already furniture. What are we supposed to do with our then? But fingers are crossed. We'll be taking off in the 17 foot truck with the car on a trailer behind it. Thankfully A will be driving. An acquaintance called him "a model of moving efficiency" the other day and he hasn't let me forget it.

A few days without Internet coming up but I'll be back to reading and posting soon.

Making the big push

2009-07-29T09:41:00.004-04:00

We are in the throes of moving agony. 4 more days until we load the truck. We are doing pretty well staying on task and getting rooms packed up. We have been able to pack up the kitchen completely; since I managed to line up dinner (and a lot of lunches) with friends there is no need to cook anything else. Today we are sweltering through the heat put off by the self clean cycle on the over, which makes the indoor temp about equivalent to the heat outside- a robust 85 degrees at 9:45 am. It's a race to the bottom to see who will crack first- me or A- and through the first stress related hissy fit. It will probably be me. Sparked by him.

I still can't believe that all of this has come to fruition. It was about a year ago that I finally decided I needed to go back to school and do something better than be a lazy, underpaid secretary. It's been college tours, GREs, application essays, financial aid documents, housing applications and "how in the heck are we going to do this" for the last year, but the actual end result of me being in college has been this nebulous, far off in the future thing. And now it's here. And I'm a little bit nervous and wondering what I have gotten myself into. But we've made it through everything else, we can make it through this.

Updating your status

2009-07-16T15:46:00.003-04:00

I always find it interesting that A still tells people that he is an Airline Pilot when he is introduced to them. And he leaves off the part that goes- "who has been on disability for 18 months due to cancer". I always wonder if it's a coping mechanism, an attempt to deny the reality of what's going on, if he's embarrassed of having cancer or something else. Even though what A tells people is completely up to him, I always feel like he's not telling the whole truth to people and he should. Since he's so into social media lately, I told him it was time to update his status from "airline pilot" to "pilot by trade but currently disabled".

We recently had dinner with a physician friend who has had a relapse of brain cancer. Although his course of treatment makes it much more obvious that he has an illness (the shaved head featuring a surgery scar and bald spot from radiation) he said that he does the same thing. Both A and our friend concurred that part of the reason was because they didn't want the sympathy that is generally (ingenuinely) offered once cancer is mentioned. Partly because they didn't want to be treated differently, as sickly, and partly because they want to pretend it isn't happening. It was an interesting A-ha moment to hear that our friend felt the same way and that it wasn't just A's particular personality.

And after 18 months of whining, asking around and pestering I've finally found a cancer support group. I flipped open one of those local "news and opinion weeklies" and found right there a listing for a support group, not just for cancer, but thyroid cancer specific, that meets at a local library. And it is so apropos that I found it two weeks before we are due to leave town.

It's been too long...

2009-07-16T14:56:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I've let so long go by since I posted. I know several bloggers who have lost some momentum and are taking a spring/summer and I guess by default I'm in this category too. But at least I can blame it on a week long visit from my dad and our impending move. Some tidbits of what I've been up to (and had thoughts of blogging about):

Yesterday we brought home my first ever, just for me, brand new car. It only had 25 miles on it. Every other car I've had has been a hand me down from Dad (the '89 Jimmy and the '92 pick-up A now drives), certified used (the 2000 Explorer), for some one else (the ex's Jetta) or from some questionable used car dealer (the Lincoln and the Honda, both of which I've run though in the past 3.5 years). I'm so glad to have a car under warranty that I won't have to worry about for the next 5 years. Now I can worry about A carrying on about the spot I got on the carpet when I spilled the xyz instead. We took advantage of the Cash For Clunkers deal from the gov't and are turning in the truck for a new little car for A as well. God bless the dealer for finding us financing for two new cars on the sketchy incomes of a guy on disability and a girl on unemployment. We know we can afford the payments, but really I know that lenders prefer people who appear a little more stable.

Kidzilla's been gone for nearly 4 weeks now. I can't believe it's been so long. I'm usually pretty hands off when he's gone; I'm not the helicopter mom calling for reports on his daily activities. So I've emailed him twice, gotten one video link and spoken on the phone with him once. During the phone call he said he wanted to go back to playing solitaire on the computer and that the phone was too heavy for him to hold. Yep, I was feeling the love. Currently he's with Grandma and Grandpa for a few weeks before going back for some more time with his dad. I got a picture from their journey sledding (yes, on the snow!) in the Sierra-Nevada Mountains. It was one of those "damn I miss California" moments. Until I remembered how much I hate earthquakes.

We have been making lots of time for adult fun with Kidzilla gone. We went to a concert for the first time in 4 years and have been able to hang out at the bar without having to consider the babysitter while we are out. We went to a 24 hour movie marathon at a friends house where we watched 14 movies consecutively. A made it through the whole shebang without so much as a yawn; I slept about 3 hours cumulatively. I've had the opportunity to connect with some old friends on Facebook and met some new ones thanks to A's social networking connections. (To connect with me on either Facebook or Twitter, email me at the address on the right.)

The visit with Dad was good. It was so damn hot that we didn't do much during the days (Jax is a pretty outdoor venue city) and just kinda hung out. We went to all the cool restaurants, for a dip in the Atlantic, and took Dad for his first visit to the Bass Pro Shop.

My days are filled with exciting tasks such as packing up the kitchen, changing addresses, reserving the rental truck, changing utilities. We've got lots of lunches and dinners planned with friends in the next two weeks before we head out. Most of our stuff that isn't going with us is already in storage, which is good. Except when I decide I really do need that Tiffany serving platter or A realizes that I packed away his favorite shot glasses (I was hoping he wouldn't notice...).

And that's really all there is to tell.

Another week goes by...

2009-06-24T08:58:00.002-04:00

I posted a separate post about an FAA question in case anyone has some ideas for me. I also posted another comment on the pilot mental health post, just because I'm a stickler for organization and keeping like with like.

Father's day came and went. Kidzilla's dad came out from CA to shuttle Kidzilla back to his place for 5 weeks. For the first time in the nearly 5 years since we split, Kidzilla, his dad, A and I all went to breakfast together. I don't think that we have ever all been in the same room together before. It went well, we all got along, there were no awkward moments and we all said how pleasant it was. I don't know if something has shifted in all of our lives or simply enough time (distance and crap) has passed, but I hope that it's the start of a new trend. Now we just have to work in Dad's girlfriend if we ever all happen to be in the same place. I miss Kidzilla, but I don't worry about him because I trust his dad to take care of him. And really, it's nice to be able to hop in the car and go to a nice dinner or the bar with a friend and not have to think twice about it once in a while.

We finally got our apartment assignment for Tallahassee. It's going to be a pain because we can't move in until 3 days after our lease is up at our current place, but we're working on that. So now we are leisurely packing things up, making daily trips to the storage unit and still finding masses of things to get rid of. We just moved LAST YEAR, how can we have accumulated so much MORE stuff? The hotter-than-normal temps don't really help motivate us at all. Imagine unloading a UPS truck full of stuff into a full heat sauna. That's about what it feels like.

My father is coming to visit us in early July. This is an amazing event. My parents are both retired and as my dad retired from an airline, they have flight bene's that give them a higher priorty than current employees. I am their only child. I am the mother of their only grandchild. Seems like they would be out here visiting all the time right? In truth, my mom hasn't been to FL since our wedding 2.5 years ago. I haven't even seen her since I went to CA in Jan 2008. My dad came out 3 times between March and June 2008, each time for an overnight while shuttling Kidzilla back and forth from CA. I haven't seen him in a year now and they haven't seen Kidzilla since last summer. They always give these vague reasons for not being able to come out, usually related to their cats and/or being busy. My dad is coming for a conference in Orlando and is going to come a few days early to see us. I guess I should be happy that he's coming at all, but nothing makes a girl feel special like being the tack-on visit instead of the purpose.

What's the deal with FAA denials?

2009-06-24T08:37:00.002-04:00

Last week I posted this question to an AME on a forum about official FAA denials of medicals. I didn't really get the answer I was looking for. What I want to know is- do you HAVE to get one? Are there some pros or cons to getting one? What I got was- have your AME write a letter. So, if you have any insight, please comment or send me an email through the address on the right.

My pilots been off the line since Feb 08 with Thyroid Cancer. He had a second round of treatment in April 09 and is riding out the waiting period until Feb 10 to do another test. He never got an official FAA Denial or even reported it to the FAA; grounding himself and submitting all of the necessary paperwork to the company LTD insurance was enough.

One of the insurance companies has now requested a copy of the official FAA Denial. It's for something we won't be eligible for for another year and we hope not to use at all. Is it true that getting the official denial will make it more difficult for him to get reinstated and back in the air when the time comes? Is there a benefit to getting it or not? Do we have to get it?

Why is it?

2009-06-16T14:08:00.002-04:00

I keep hearing in the news media about "low time pilots". As in, " oh those low time pilots at regionals are dangerous", "regional airlines are full of low time pilots" and the like. I'm sure you've heard it too. What they seem to NOT take into account is that a) with all of the furloughs that happened, most regional pilots now have at least two years and several thousand hours under their belts (except maybe Gulfstream, but they are a whole other mess) and b) there are plenty of senior pilots at regional airline that have MORE seniority than pilots at major carriers. Consider the pilot who chose to make their career at a regional due to the shorter trips and seniority afforded great schedules and had been there 10 years vs. the guy who spend 3 years at a regional and recently bumped up to a major. Sure, the bulk of the pilots at regional airlines have less time, but there aren't any 250 hour wonders out there anymore. And who can quantify how many hours makes a "safe" pilot anyway? It's not like it happens when the tick of a particular hour goes by.

Are all pilots hypersensitive about mental health or is that just my perception? It seems like every pilot I've spoken with or seen post about tries very hard not to appear to ever have any kind of mental health issue. I know that a prior ADHD or depression diagnosis can end a pilot's career, but by refusing to acknowledge that some counseling might be useful aren't they actually doing themselves a dis-service and potentially making things worse. I've talked with people who won't talk to anyone regarding their mental health in fear that it will go on a record and eventually be used against them by the FAA in the future. Really? Is the FAA going to revoke your privileges because you talked to a therapist about your divorce or your child's chronic illness or your wife's infertility? Does talking to a mental health counselor make others preceive you as so weak or unstable that you won't be able to command a cockpit in an emergency?

Getting back in the swing of things

2009-06-14T20:46:00.002-04:00

Last week I spent 55+ hours volunteering at Kidzilla's Cub Scout day camp. It was me, twelve 7 year old boys, 4 youth helpers with absolutely no leadership skills and one half assed helper who showed up 2 of the 5 days. It was heaven and hell all roped into one. A selection of my tweets from the week:

Whooohooo. First day of cub scout camp. Me and 17 new second graders in the woods

The sweet smell of camp- layers of boy sweat, sunscreen, bug spray, chlorine, and wet dirt.

12 mosquito bites, hands tie dyed blue and a 10 pound backpack. Its day 2 of camp.

Its 3 o'clock and I can't remember the last time I washed my hands. Its definitely camp season.

Today at camp I sang songs about donut shops, the army, mosquitoes and milk. And painted with bubbles.

In my previous life, I was a day camp director and prior to that a resident camp counselor, counselor in training and camper. I have a lot of experience with camp. But this was my first time with all boys and learning the "Boy Scout" way of doing things. We swam, we arched (archeried?), shot bb guns, did arts and crafts, played flag football and most of all, I herded boys around. It was much like herding cats. We had the kid whose behavior markedly improved when he showed up with glasses on on day 4. We had the kid who could spot an insect at 50 feet, pick it up and bring it to you- alive. We had the kid who wanted to reapply bug spray every 30 minutes (he didn't return after day 2). The whole experience really reminded me of why I loved and hated my previous job. I'm actually looking forward to volunteering again next summer. I will have to rewatch all three seasons of SurvivorMan and brush up on some awesome outdoor skills to impress the kids next year. I love Les Stroud!

I feel like I have pretty much let go of the aviation wives world for a bit. I haven't been on the forums lately and don't really have any desire to do so. I can only tolerate so much whining and jabs about who's husband is gone the longest and who's got the most desirable job. I am reading Ralph Nader's book Collision Course, about the industry. It's outdated (1993) and makes references to rules and regulations that aren't correct (at this point any way), but it's an interesting read. I will post more about it once I've finished it.

Kidzilla leaves next week to spend the summer with his father in CA. It's a bittersweet parting every year.

Missing out

2009-05-28T19:01:00.003-04:00

So while trying to arrange my travel arrangement to Houston for the big training, the Chief Pilot tells me that he thinks the training is just for actually airline employees and not open to their spouses. I fired off an email to the person in charge of the training to verify. Sure enough, it's only for employees. It would have been nice if she had mentioned that part when I initially signed up for the training over a month ago. I guess the part of the email where I said "my name is Someday and my husband is XYZ based FO Funkmeister" didn't clue her in that I was not actually an employee. I'm disappointed to say the least.

I KNOW there is some training available out there. A heard talk of it before and mentioned it to me. He just can't be bothered to find out any details about it for me. I'm trying to think of something that he wants me to do and I know is important to him so that I can not bother to find out the details, much to his frustration.

What happens if...?

2009-05-27T14:42:00.002-04:00

Back in late 2007, I wrote this post and this post when A had some serious mechanical problems in the air. It has continued to bother me that I STILL don't know what the procedures are for family notification in the event of a flight emergency. It's a huge component of my (nearly silent, blog complaining) campaign for airlines to recognize the importance of family communication and the impact of family stress on the lives and abilities of pilots. Quite simply, as in any other career, if you are distracted by family issues your head might not be completely focused on the task at hand. And as we all know, distracted pilots can have deadly consequences. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Would it be so hard to put out a brochure or informational email/flyer detailing emergency procedures? Does it need to be top secret info? Is management hiding its head in the sand and pretending it could never happen to them? I've also decided that Airline Pilot, the fabulous (insert sarcasm if needed) magazine put out by ALPA (our pilot union) should have a monthly column for family matters. I can think of all kinds of info for spouses they could write about.

With all that in mind, I am very excited that in June, we'll be making a trip to Houston so that I can attend the Family Assistance Training being put on by the airline. This is the first step to becoming eligible to assist family members in the event of an airline crisis. I'm looking forward to this training very much. Hopefully this will not only give me an opportunity to find out more about the process and push for more communications but also (sadly) to share what I have learned through the last 18 months with others in the same situation. This may give me the opening to discuss with the company my feelings on the need for a more streamlined process for LTD. What we went through was convoluted, difficult to follow and ultimately much more difficult and confusing that it needed to be. I'd also like to bring it up to the union LTD comittee, whom we haven't heard from in months.

Something else that mystifies me- I've been blogging for more than 18 months now about A's cancer and disability. And I have yet to meet another pilot on LTD for illness. That's 18 months of no one to bounce ideas off of or compare notes with. 18 months with no one else who understands and supports my desire for advocacy in the process. Surely there is SOMEONE out there who has made it to the other side.

What do you do when there's nothing to do?

2009-05-27T14:04:00.002-04:00

With A and I both home, not working, it's become a nice time for us to get to doing all those little things that have been piling up. Or find out new ways to avoid doing them.

We've both been better at working out in the little complex gym (or rather, I force him to come with me) so we are on the road to getting healthier. He's been working on a business gig with a friend of his doing some kind of wholesale/distributing thing that I have absolutely no interest in (and therefore cannot accurately describe). I know it involves gun accessories and knives and that sort of boy stuff they both like. Myself, I've been channeling Martha a bit and have decided to work my way though all of the recipes I have have been collecting over the years to find out if they are worth keeping. About half the time, I try a new one and it tastes nothing like what I expected. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. So far this week, I've made Snickers Bar Cookie Bars and Oatmeal Cookies with dried apricots and white chocolate Both are keepers.

I'm also being forced to attend an orientation session for the state Unemployment Services because "the Priority Re-Employment Planning (PREP) System has identified you as a worker who may benefit from reemployment assistance." How I pulled that lucky card, I don't know. But I wish I hadn't. The law is that individuals so identified have to be referred to reemployment services and participation is a condition of eligibility for benefits. So if I don't go, I lose my benefits. Even though I'm not really one who could benefit from these "services". Hopefully I'll get out of it once I show up with my stellar resume.

Now that American Idol is over, I've become entirely too comfortable watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Despite doing my best to keep my butt from becoming too friendly with the couch.

Today's hot topic news

2009-05-18T12:40:00.003-04:00

I don't even want to comment on all of the Colgan news lately, but a few things come to mind.

Shouldn't the pax who videoed the wheel problem have been reprimanded for use of an electronic device whose use is prohibited during the landing phase of flight? Aren't we all told to turn our cell phones off? And perhaps, if they and other pax saw flames from the wheel on take-off, they should have alerted the Flight Attendant, who would have communicated to the Pilot about the problem? Wouldn't that have actually been the useful, proactive thing to do in that situation? Instead of just thinking about the cool video they might get and how much they might sue for in the event of an accident. I wonder if the airline is going to try to blame the FO for not noticing a loose wheel during his walk around. I wonder if more attention is going to be placed on this incident than usually because it's the same airline.

And interesting forum thread here about the 3407 flight. There are some links to articles and comments about pilot fatigue, training and pay as well as some personal experiences and opinions. I think my favorite comment was this-

I was hopeful thinking with all of this being brought to the attention of the public things might end up changing. But, my husband said don't count on it. The only things that will probably change will be when you sign in to work you will check some box stating you are well rested, and maybe they will put out a memo forbidding sleeping in the crew room. Nothing will change for the actual safety or quality of life of the pilots, only to cover the ass of the company.

The pilot and co-pilot were talking during a critical phase of flight, that is clear. But at least they were talking about icing conditions, which was relevant. It would have been 10x worse if the CA was chatting about the great bar he went to during his overnight in Cleavage-land and the FO was texting her hot new CFI boyfriend.

As for the people who say they NEVER fly on a commuter plane. Really? I guess you don't go to any small regional airports who are ONLY served by commuters. I doubt the airline is going to refund your ticket if you walk up to the counter and refuse to board the aircraft because "it's too small".

I don't even read comments out loud to A because it gets him too riled up and I just don't want to listen to it any more. That's why he has pilot friends.

It's a woman's perogative to change her mind

2009-05-15T09:27:00.004-04:00

A was in isolation last week due to his radioactive treatment. Of course I had to make jokes about his "certain glow", not needing a flashlight if we went camping, and sing "Radioactive" ad naseum. It was difficult to watch him have to make his way through radiation sickness without being able to comfort him. I think he was sicker this time than last year, but then again I wasn't around as much last year. It left a lot of time for us both to be alone with our thoughts for a good portion of the day, which led to some interesting conversations later on. Now we just sit, wait, get on with our lives until Feb 10 when he gets another scan.

We've been waffling around about whether A was going to go to Tallahassee with me and Kidzilla or stay in Jax even since I started this endeavor. We've been leaning toward him staying in Jax to maintain a presence here and give me some space. Now that he's got another year or so on the ground, we decided that we are going to move as a family. Since his job here didn't pan out as hoped this past winter there is not really any reason to be here. Plus it will be more cost effective. We'll just get a P.O. Box to maintain an address here. It's going to be a tight squeeze to get us all in the tiny family housing apt and we are going to have to put some stuff in storage, but it will be better overall. Now I won't have to get all riled up about finding a sitter for night classes. And we can waffle about what he's going to DO in Tallahassee instead.

I have been thinking a lot as well about my attitude about integrating A into the family when he was flying and returning from trips. I tried to find where I had blogged about it a few years ago, but it was too many posts to wade through (over 200 now!). I used to have the attitude of- live your life and make your plans and he can join in when he wants but life goes on whether he's here or not. But now I'm wondering if that was fair to our family and to him. Did I try hard enough to make him feel a part of the family? Because he IS part of the family. Should I have spent more time recognizing and honoring the time that he was here, instead of making him an inconsequential part? Did I deny him the opportunity to do anything HE wanted to do as a family by always having plans made and expecting him to participate without a say? Is there a better compromise for our family? How to balance all of the demands and desires of life? It seems pretty unimportant right now, since he's home ALL. THE. TIME. But one day...

I've been thinking of some heavy topics that I want to blog about lately, but some of them need some more research (AKA asking the opinions/experiences of other pilot wives). If there is something you would like to see me blog about or just to chat, contact me at the email address in the sidebar.

Freeway billboard psychology

2009-05-13T15:04:00.002-04:00

To my friends B, E, N, and T, and those I don't know who are going through or coming out of a difficult time-

We value the light more fully after we have come through the darkness

I pass this quote daily on a sign on the way to Kidzilla's school. And I think of how true it is. And I think of my friends who are making their way through their own struggles as I make my way though mine.

Goodness knows, I hate overplayed cliches, but this one speaks to me.

A secret I'd rather not admit, vol. II

2009-05-05T19:22:00.004-04:00

I have a secret dream. A life goal if you will. To ride around a large southern city downtown in a convertible, top down, with steer horns on the front. Just as a passenger. Just one time.

Why? I have no idea. It just seems like something every southern woman should achieve at least once in her life. I think it stems from too many Friday nights watching the double header of Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas with my mom while dad was working swing shift at the airport. Someday I'll be the matriarch of a giant Dallas sized clan and house too. Without all the infighting.

I also had a dream that Kidzilla's bio-dad sent me a Mother's Day card to say thank you for taking care of our son 47 weeks a year. Probably not inspired by Dallas.

Today A took his radioactive pill and is now in isolation in our extra bedroom. No closer than 6 feet for not more than 20 minutes at a time. For 3 days for me, for 7 days for Kidzilla. Giving him that last hug and kiss before he took it was strange. Like he was leaving for a three day trip, even though he'll be withing speaking distance the entire time. At least it will be another 9 months before I have to start weaning myself off the physical closeness we've become accustomed to. I think I'm turning into a softie. And I don't want THAT secret to get out.

Moving on from April

2009-05-05T19:06:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to sugarcoat this- April sucked. Really bad. In many ways. I'm really hoping that May brings us the flowers that April's showers promise.

A review of April (g00d events in purple, bad events in red), mostly chronologically:

Kidzilla turns 7
I get laid off
We find out I didn't get the graduate fellowship and now have to actually PAY for school
I get enough money approved via student loans
We find out that A's cancer is lingering and that he'll have to go through more treatment, extending his time off work by another 9 months. At least.
We find out that I also didn't get the scholarship I thought I was a shoe in for
I visit Atlanta and have a great time
I find out that the info I thought I heard regarding Unemployment Insurance was incorrect and I have already missed out on $500
We made some positive, significant changes to our diet
Swine flu arrives and the airline cuts routes again, leaving us concerned that A will be furloughed and lose not only the medical insurance covering his treatment, but also the meager income he receives while disabled

But, on a positive note for May, we did find out that there was no discernable tumor growth so whatever is there is not getting worse. And the time off together is helping us get to know each other. Really well.

Sometimes you don't want to know...

2009-05-03T10:01:00.002-04:00

Alex, the front desk manager at the cancer center where A goes is a pretty nice guy. He always remembers A (who wouldn't after seeing him day after day for weeks during his treatment), is a pretty snappy dresser and is always able to get anything we need. Even after not having been to the center since June of last year, he remembered A's name as soon as we walked in again. With the volume of people who are in and out of there on a daily basis I was kind of impressed.

The other day, we were in to pick up a lab authorization for a blood test, from the front desk. We picked up the form, took a few steps from the desk and then remembered that it needed some specific info on it still. We returned to the desk where Alex promptly said "Yep, you need that. I have a whole page of labels with your name and barcode on them all made up."

Which made my heart stop for a second. Is A going to require the use of an entire sheet of personalized barcode labels?Did Alex know something we don't know? We were kinda hoping that this was going to be a short follow up protocol, but the doctor doesn't have all of the test results back yet.

I had to let it go and trust that Alex had only made the labels up to save himself time and that it didn't mean anything at all. But it would have been easier to pretend this was no big deal if I hadn't seen the brand new sheet of labels to begin with.

Sometimes life feels like this

2009-04-30T11:23:00.003-04:00

From an email I received-

Why sleep in your own familiar bed...

2009-04-28T20:20:00.009-04:00

when you can show up (invited of course) at the house of some girl whose blog you've been following for a year but have never met and crash on her couch instead?

Nicole and I have been following each other's blogs for over a year now, but have never met in person. We have a lot in common- aviation, children, being west coasters in the east. She set up a meet and greet weekend in Atlanta for members of our online group Pilot Wives Club. Since it was within driving distance and I don't have anything better to be doing, I went. Nicole offered up her couch as budget lodging and we were set.

I arrived on Friday night, settled in and had a tasty Indian dinner with Nicole and her husband The next morning we were up bright and early to pick up another wife, Julie, from the airport. She flew in from Indiana for the day. We got to know each other over breakfast and hanging out. For lunch, we had Thai food and met up with two more wives. It was fantastic getting to know other women in the same situations- all of our husbands worked for regional airlines, all had started within months of each other, all had similar complaints and compliments about both the airlines and our husbands. We followed up with a trip to the World of Coke, a walk through Olympic Park and dinner at the Varsity Diner before dropping Julie off at the airport again. The evening finished with s'mores with some friends of Nicole. The next morning, after a tasty home cooked breakfast, I headed south.

Blogging twins

The wives summit- representing:
ASA, Mesaba, Pinnacle and ExpressJet

Coke, even more refreshing
than advertised

Wrapping up our day

It was so nice to be able to share training stories, should've dones, advice and companionship with other wives. Knowing that each airline has its own unique and similar challenges and that we aren't alone is always nice. But putting a face and personality to the actual people out there really brings it home.

Rest stop fun

2009-04-27T17:58:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I went to Atlanta to meet up with some other pilot wives. We had a blast. I'll post more about it later when I get some pictures from the trip. Despite the minor guilt I felt about taking off for a weekend away the day after A receiving bad news from the doctor, it was a much needed chance to process some emotions and generally clear my head.

Thinking back, the six hour drive was the longest road trip I've ever taken by myself. I've driven that far with other people in the car, including once when Kidzilla was only 4 months old, but this was the first time I was ever really, truly alone. I could stop at any rest stop I wanted without hearing about how frequently I had to pee or bypass them all without having to worry about whether someone in the backseat was going to make it until the next one. Ahhh, freedom.

In honor of the drive, I'm resurrecting a post I wrote when A and I made the drive in the moving truck (Jan 2006). 5 days of us, alone, in a moving truck limited to 55 mph. It made for some great memories and a lot of stops.

Now the interesting stuff- the Cross Country Rest Room awards! Since we were only going about 55 mph in the truck, we stopped at almost every rest stop to rest. So we saw a lot of them. Here's a rundown of our opinions:

California- Outdoor Living Award
For having all open air rest stops. Until this trip, I had never experienced the pleasure of a heated/cooled rest stop building. Who knew??

Arizona- Hellfire Award
For having the hottest restrooms around. It was cold out, like in the 30's, but man, AZ spared no expense at heating rest stops for traveler's comfort. It was like stepping in AZ in the summer every time you opened the door.

New Mexico- Most Authentic Architecture Award
For having duplicated the native Pueblo structure style, a magnificent feat. Rest rooms don't have to be boring... NM also had the first staffed info center and provided us with a very nice state map.

Texas- Fiscal Management Award
For blowing their wad on one really great rest stop and leaving the rest closed or having no bathrooms. A tornado shelter at the rest stop? Got it. Vending machines? Got it. AC? Got it. Clean toilets? Got it. Playground? Got it. If you stop at the right one that is...

Oklahoma- Desolation Award
For having the most barren and treeless rest stops. Rest stops appeared to be brown boxes on the prairie. They need to take a cue from NM and at least make them look like teepees or something. Kinda fits with the new state slogan we developed for OK- "Oklahoma- we have nothing to offer". That was followed by "Oklahoma- We gave you Garth Brooks, now we're spent".

Arkansas- Most Welcoming Welcome Center Award
An authentic log cabin welcome center with tons of brochures, a roaring fire, free internet access and more. And you know what? Arkansas is not as bad as I expected. It's actually kind of pretty.

Tennessee- Least Welcoming Award
Rest stops had full parking areas, crappy bathrooms, they were few and far between and had no welcome center. No wonder no one visits TN!

Georgia- Technology Award
For having the an entirely hands free rest room. The entry door, the toilet flush, the sinks, the soap, the dryers. You barely had to wipe your own ass. Thank you Georgia!

Florida- Kid Friendly Award
For having a kid's "learning center" in their Welcome Center. Too bad it was closed when we crossed the border.

Sadly, the condition of the Georgia rest stops were no where near as cool as the one I posted about. Not only were they run down, I had to manually do everything. Perhaps they should be second in the Fiscal Management category.

Results are in

2009-04-23T10:41:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I got up an hour early, got everyone in the car, took A to the hospital for a scan, killed time until it was time to take Kidzilla to school, returned to the hospital and spent a fascinating 2.5 hours in the lobby waiting for A to be done with his bone scan. At least I was able to get some reading done, although it was slow going with the Fox News blaring and all the interesting people.

We got word of the results by phone a while ago. The cancer is not gone and A will have to go through another round of treatment. It's going to be at least another 9 months. At this point, he'll have enough seniority to upgrade by the time he goes back (I wish!). They are going to do a CAT scan to determine if there is anything they can surgically remove and do another dose of the radioactive iodine. So now, I'll have to be isolated from him for 3-5 days while not having a job to go to. Further radiation treatments to be determined later.

While this news sucks, I am happy at least that the Doctor is being aggressive with this because of how aggressive the cancer was last year. I would have to see A go through all of the retraining, fly a few trips and then get pulled off the line again. At this point we are still under the "first occurrence" rules which are somewhat looser than the second or third occurrence rules (thing three strikes, you're out). Also, we will be looking at a second full year on disability pay which was only a fraction of what his first year salary was. At least we have good medical insurance.

On a bright note, I'm on my way to Atlanta this weekend for a pilot wives get together. And thanks Shelly for the song title/author hook up.

Turn me on tonight, I'm radioactive...

2009-04-20T18:51:00.003-04:00

Well, not really, but that's the only radioactive lyrics I could come up with. And hat's the only part of the song I could remember. If anyone can give me the title/artist so that I can torment A with it indefinitely, I would appreciate it. Its in the classic rock genre and I think there's a part about "can't get distracted" and a chorus about "I want you to stay with me" .

As the title gives away, A took his radioactive pill today and will have having his scans on wed and thurs. This dose is 40x less strong than the one he took last year, so we don't have to worry about the not sharing a bed/bathroom/silverware business like we did before. We are hoping, hoping, hoping that it is good news for us by the end of the week because basically, it all comes down to this.

In other good news, we have yet to get so irritated by each other that we have poked out any eyes or pulled out any fingernails on each other. Not an easy feat when you are together 24/7. But it seems to be going well thus far. I think I've graduted into Advanced Loafing and Timewasting and I'm taking the final on Inventing Errands.

And sadly, this month marks two years since I was last able to get pregnant. I can't begin to explain how that two years feels.

To end on a good note- I put up a new picture on the blog site (for those of you who use a reader to keep up with me), I'm making an effort to wear something beyond a tee shirt and jeans to avoid that "I've given up" look, and I'm going to actually use my twitter account.

Only a pilot's wife would understand

2009-04-17T14:58:00.002-04:00

I love my husband, I really do. But sometimes there can be too much of a good thing. And having him home for the last year has been walking that good thing fine line. Sometimes an independent girl just needs her space. A knows this, understands this and enjoys (tolerates?) this quality of mine. Sometimes he even busts out a little humor about it. Like when, a few days ago, he told a friend of ours (a more traditional gal) that I was moving to Tallahassee to get away from him. Her jaw dropped and her eyes got all wide. I think my single gal friend had trouble believing that I would ever need some space away from my man. What is that quip? There's a little truth in every joke?

If I hated the job so much...

2009-04-09T17:42:00.001-04:00

and I was planning on leaving in 16 weeks anyway, why am I so torn up about getting laid off?

Oh yeah, because we need the money. This isn't the route to becoming a stay at home mom that I was planning on taking.

A secret i'd rather not admit

2009-04-07T10:31:00.004-04:00

I have discovered that I have a problem. An addiction if you will. Most of the time I am strong enough to overcome it. But every so often, usually when A sets me off, I can't help myself. I binge on TV.

Normally, I avoid the television and restrict Kidzilla's viewing as well. It stems from a previous relationship where it felt like the TV was on ALL THE TIME. I hated it and as soon as the relationship was over the TV was off all of the time. To this day, I avoid getting sucked into shows that I HAVE TO WATCH. I hate that feeling of "OMG I have to hurry up grocery shopping or having drinks with a friend so I can get home in time to watch XYZ". And I'm not shelling out for a TIVO either.

But on occasion, I will come home and find A watching something ridiculous like Housewives of New York or Rock of Love or Millionaire Matchmaker or Curb Appeal and my god, I just can't stop myself. I will sit and watch hours of it. Leaving A and Kidzilla to fend for themselves, usually leading to dinner of Taco Bell and me complaining that they are interrupting my viewing. Once I start, I can't stop. It's never a show of any substance, it's usually something where I gape at humanity and thank god that I'm not those people (with the exception of the HGTV, when I wish I was the one buying a swanky vacation home in some exotic locale), but nevertheless, I can't help myself. Thank goodness I'm not a pilot on reserve home watching this crap all day long.

I have heard that step one is admitting that you have a problem.

Can we just make this part go faster?

2009-03-31T13:07:00.004-04:00

Today A stopped taking his medicine, the first part in his testing process. It's taken me a bit to realize that the anxiety I've been feeling is related to this. I'm so nervous about this testing and all the what if's. What if the cancer is back? That means more treatment and another two years out, minimum. And then what? What if the cancer is gone? Will I ever be able to relax about it? We've settled into living together finally, what's it going to be like when he's gone again? Sometimes it feels better to just NOT know and keep all the what if's out there. As much as A says he wants to get back to flying (and I know he does), I wonder if he's ready to give up having the prestige of being a pilot without the grueling schedule required. Am I ready?

I was asked to be a feature wife at a group site. My answers to the standard questions were so depressing that I had to hold off sending it in until I could make it more upbeat and reflective of my true self.

18 weeks until I get to quit my job for school. I am counting down the days as I have really maxed out on this job. So much is still in the air still- will I get the scholarships I applied for? Will I get into the student family housing or will I be left searching for a place for us a week prior to school? Who's going to get the can opener and the vacuum? Where is A going to live? I want it all to just be figured out already and to be starting school.

I wish for every eventuality there was a set flow we could practice in the Sim that would still get us to our destination safely.

Tomorrow is Kidzilla's 7th birthday. No April Fools.

Note to self- # 346

2009-03-23T09:44:00.002-04:00

When knocking on wood, don't count faux wood desktop as good enough. Not two days after I posted a comment about how I rarely get sick, I got hit with a whopper. A and I agreed that it was probably the sickest he'd ever seen me. I'm better now though.